Fighting For Love, Justice, and a Better Agent
by NeoVenus22
Summary: A nonsensical Sailormoon parody in which nothing is sacred. Absolutely nothing.
1. The Scout Bylaws...found in your local l...

Ladies and gentlemen...I present to you the first "chapter" of the fanfic without a name, which has been dubbed for all intents and purposes as simply "Parody". The first few chapters are degrading on the DiC dub, which was, of course, before the dubbing of the outer senshi. So I don't want any stuff about how Uranus and Neptune aren't called Alex and Michelle, but Amara and Michelle. I KNOW THIS. These were the working names by some toy company back in the day. Thank you, make sure to R/R, and goodnight.  
  
***  
  
The Sailor Scouts were in rare form. They were halfway through a battle with a youma --er, monster-- and so far none of them had fallen down, called someone stupid, stuck out their tongue, sweatdropped, cried and whined, or made a stupid speech. Well, they all made stupid speeches, but that was in the Scout Bylaws, so it was okay. Their speech went something vaguely like this (as most of their speeches do):  
  
"I am Sailor Moon! I fight for love, justice, and a bunch of other things I can't think of right now! You interrupted my date, you slimy weasel! You will pay!"  
  
"I am Sailor Mars! I use fire! A lot! But I'm not a pyromaniac! And if you call me that, I'll hit you with a really hot flame! So there!"  
  
"I am Sailor Mercury! I'm smart! So smart that I don't need a lot of stupid speeches. So I'm going to shut up!"  
  
"I am Sailor Jupiter! I'm strong! Nyah!"  
  
"I am Sailor Venus! These speeches are getting too short! And pretty darn weird! We wouldn't be doing this if you hadn't shown up, so I'm going to make you say ouch!"  
  
"I am Sailor Uranus! People laugh a lot when I say 'Uranus'! Um...Michelle is my lover! Yeah!"  
  
"I am Sailor Neptune! I get things wet! Woo!"  
  
"I am Sailor Saturn! I am the illegitimate child of Professor Tomoe! I was adopted by Michiru-mama and Haruka-papa! Those are some facts you really didn't need to know! I have a really sharp Glaive-thingy!"  
  
"I am Sailor Pluto! I kind of forgot how to battle, 'cause Neo-Queen Bitch doesn't let me leave the Time Gates!"  
  
"I am Sailor Luna! I'm not really a Sailor!"  
  
"I am Sailor Artemis! Neither am I!"  
  
"I am Molly! I have a really bad voice actress! Joisey!"  
  
"I am Sailor Earth! They say I don't exist, but I do!"  
  
"I am Tuxedo Mask! I'm surrounded by pretty girls in short skirts! Ha! I bet you wish you were me!"  
  
The villian guy looked him over. "No."  
  
"Tsuki ni kawatte oshioki yo!" Sailor Moon finished in a language she didn't know. "Um...I mean...In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"  
  
Anyway, that was the really long speech(es). They were in the middle of the battle, and they were winning.  
  
"Mercury Bubbles BLAST!" Sailor Mercury yelled, getting everyone all moist and foggy. "Sailor Moon, now's your chance!"  
  
Sailor Moon nodded, although no one could see it in the fog. They all gravitated in what they assumed was away from the monster, but instead all ended up really close to Sailor Moon. She picked her Cutie Moon Rod --um, that is, her Moon Scepter-- from out of wherever it goes when she's not using it, and began to wave it around. "Moon..."  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Sailor Mars?"  
  
"Watch what you're doing! That stupid wand thing hurts!"  
  
"Sorry." She tried again. "Moon...Scepter..."  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Sailor Mercury?"  
  
She spun around, looking for Mercury in the fog, and hit both Jupiter and Venus in one swipe. "Ow!" they yelled. "Watch where you're aiming that thing!"  
  
"Where are you?" she asked, spinning around some more. "Ow!" She hit Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune. "Ow!" Tuxedo Mask. "Ow!" Sailor Pluto. "Ow!" Sailor Saturn. "Ow!" Sailor Earth and Molly, a.k.a. Sailor Annoying. "Ow!" The cats.  
  
"Where are you guys?" Sailor Moon whined.  
  
"JUST FINISH THE DARN ATTACK!" everyone yelled.  
  
"Oh. Sorry. Moon...Scepter..." She paused. "Uh, guys?"  
  
"What?" Sailor Mars snapped.  
  
"I forget...is it 'Moon Scepter Activation' or 'Moon Scepter Elimination'?"  
  
"Baka Usagi," Sailor Mars muttered, then got really confused. "What did I just say?"  
  
The other Senshi --Scouts...-- shook their heads, bemused.  
  
"Whatever," Sailor Mars replied. "It's 'activation', by the way."  
  
"Oh. Thanks," Sailor Moon said, then tried again. "Moon...Scepter...ACTIVATION!" She hit the creature in one hit, a surprising feat considering she couldn't even see her own hand in the fog. He was obliterated into moondust, and the Scouts transformed into their normal (well, 'normal' is a bit of a stretch) human selves. Naturally, they went their different ways: Serena and Darien off to finish their date; Alex and Michelle to finish theirs; Heather to go do her thing; Hotaru to do hers; Lita and Mina to chase guys; Amy to study; and Raye to go practice...something. Being an arsonist, I guess. "Hey! I'm not a pyro!" Or not. The cats, being cats and having nothing better to do, wandered off in search of the elusive Hercules. Luna to say hi and Artemis to beat him into a kitty pulp, but that was another story. Sailor Pluto, who was only known as Sailor Pluto in the other, non-Japanese world since the only good names they could think to give her were 'Celia' (ew) and 'Susan' (ew again), went off to the Time Gate to get stoned and bitch about Neo-Queen Serenity. Molly (Sailor Annoying) and BillyBobJo (Sailor Earth, who conveniently changed her name 'cause she thought 'Terra' lacked character) went off cavorting into the shadows to make shadow puppets. They did not seem to realize that to make shadow puppets, one needed light, not shadows. Nor did they care.  
  
  
***  
  
"Oh, Darien-poo," Serena cooed. "I missed you that half-second I was transforming."  
  
"Oh, Serena, I missed you more," Darien cooed back.  
  
"No, I missed you more," Serena replied.  
  
"I missed you most."  
  
"Oh, Muffin!" Serena said with a giggle.  
  
"Oh, gag," Luna, who had just popped up out of nowhere, said. Serena smacked the cat with her purse.  
  
***  
  
Alex and Michelle were walking down the street, hand in hand. "What do you want to do tonight, Michelle?" Alex asked.  
  
"I don't know, Alex. What do you want to do?"  
  
"I don't know. What do you want to do?"  
  
"I have a craving..." Michelle said thoughtfully.  
  
"Yes?!" Alex asked, hormones on overdrive.  
  
"Hot..."  
  
"Yes?! Yes?!"  
  
"Passion..."  
  
"Yes?! Yes?! Yes?!" Alex was practically panting.  
  
"Fruit," Michelle finished.  
  
Alex pouted. "I thought you were going to say something else."  
  
"The censors are watching, Alex. And speaking of which, we should probably stop holding hands." She let go of Alex's hand almost immediately.  
  
"Why?" Alex whined.  
  
"It's a G thang," Michelle said. "Er...that is, I mean, it's a G-rated program."  
  
"PG," Alex corrected. "PG for 'fantasy violence'."  
  
Sailor Moon popped out of nowhere, waving her stupid little magic stick. "I resent that!" And just as suddenly, she was gone.  
  
"Okay, PG," Michelle consented. "Whatever. Anyways, girl-girl relationships are not exactly family friendly."  
  
"Damn DiCs!" Alex raged, storming off. She was mumbling. Something not nice, Michelle was sure.  
  
***  
  
Heather was wandering down the street, giving people dirty looks for no apparent reason.  
  
***  
  
Hotaru was wandering down an identical street, holding her Glaive close. Her eyes were wide as she looked around. "Haruka-papa? Michiru-mama?"  
  
***  
  
Mistress 9 was wandering down a third identical street, looking angry. The three of them collided with Michelle as they turned a corner. Which doesn't make sense because none of them were on the same street, and if Hotaru and Heather and Mistress 9 were all colliding with Michelle on one particular corner, then, well, it's darn peculiar. Um, yeah, story...  
  
"Hey, watch it!" Heather yelled, giving everyone a dirty look.  
  
"Heather?" Michelle said.  
  
"Hey, who are you to give orders?" Hotaru demanded. "I've got the Glaive!"  
  
"Yeah, well I'm the Dark Messiah!" Mistress 9 yelled.  
  
"Heather?" Michelle repeated, looking first at Hotaru, then at Mistress 9. "This is nutty."  
  
"An unfortunate turn of events," Sailor Pluto, who had appeared out of nowhere as she was famous for doing. "This isn't in the timeline." She frowned. "Or is it? Damn." She disappeared again, no doubt to right the wrongs. Or maybe not.  
  
Michelle sweatdropped. "Next segment, please."  
  
***FIN***  
  
Sorry, just thought that was kinda cool. ^_^;; 


	2. The best villians always get killed off ...

So I haven't scared you totally! Yay! Here comes part two, complete with something I'd forgotten in part one: a disclaimer! You should know these by heart, but here goes...  
Sailormoon, its American dubbed counterpart, and all that good stuff don't belong to me. Evil Mastermind Guy and any of his minions do. Most of my friends belong to me also, although they are not in here. Hi, Lena!  
On with the insanity.  
  
***  
  
In another dimension, not the third but the fourth dimension, the new evil mastermind sat on an elaborately decorated throne.  
  
"Where is my evil henchman?" he demanded, tapping his foot against the ground angrily.  
  
From the shadows stepped a tall man with long hair that fell sexily to his shoulders. "Master, I am here to serve," he said, and bowed.  
  
Evil Mastermind Guy frowned. "You're a sexy guy."  
  
"Beg your pardon, master? I didn't think I was being recruited to be a love slave. Especially not to a male." He frowned, then shrugged. "But hey, if that's what you want..."  
  
"Shut up, you fool," Evil Mastermind Guy said, fond of using the phrase 'you fool'. It seemed so...evil mastermindly. "You're not here as my love slave. But it is no good to use a sexy young guy as a villain. Look what happened to Nephlyte. He had legions of female fans. Your death would be quite untimely to the readers."  
  
"Readers?" Sexy Guy asked. "What readers? When did this happen?" He paused, and the Evil Mastermind Guy's words sunk in. "What do you mean, death?"  
  
"Duh," Evil Mastermind Guy said, rolling his eyes. "You're a minion. As a minion, your role is to send out incompetent monsters to battle the Sailor Scouts and fail horribly. Then comes your big battle scene with the Sailor Simps, where you will appear to win, but your short-lived victory will be overshadowed by the Sailors' inner strength and/or beauty, they will find their true power, and kick the living crap out of you. Clear?"  
  
"Crystal," Sexy Guy muttered.  
  
"Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me," Evil Mastermind Guy said. "Those Sailor people have this special crystal thingy that holds their powers. You should either try to destroy it or steal it for the greater evil. It's all in the Villain Bylaws," he explained, handing Sexy Guy a pamphlet.  
  
Sexy Guy flipped through for a few minutes, then frowned. "This is too hard," he whined. "I don't wanna be a villain if I have to follow all these rules."  
  
"Fine," Evil Mastermind Guy said. "You're out of the story then." And Sexy Guy was never to be seen again. The author was happy; she didn't have to think up a name for the guy. Evil names are so hard to concoct.  
  
***  
  
Wait a minute, got one. Bob. That's evil, isn't it?  
  
***  
  
Another monster attacked the fair city of...well, it looked, smelled, and sounded like Tokyo, but they were no longer sure. People were determined to pretend that despite the Japanese characters on everything, the city was American, gosh darn it!  
  
Anyway, another monster struck. The Inner Scouts were assembled at the Hikawa Jinja...er, that is, Raye's temple. They hurriedly transformed.  
  
"Mercury Star power!"  
  
"Mars Star power!"  
  
"Jupiter Star power!"  
  
"Venus Star power!"  
  
"Moon Star power!"  
  
Serena was mighty surprised when she couldn't transform. "What the heckaroo?"  
  
"'Heckaroo'?" Sailor Mars echoed, dumbfounded.  
  
"Those darn DiC-heads are always watching," Serena said. "Gotta watch the language. Anyways, why can't I transform?"  
  
"Duh," Sailor Mars said. "You can't have the same word as we do. 'Moon Star'? What is that?"  
  
"Hey, they wrote it, not me."  
  
"Try 'Moon Crystal'."  
  
"Gotcha. Moon Crystal POWER!"  
  
She transformed and all rejoiced. ("Yay.") The five of them raced to the scene of the crime: naturally, the park. (Well, it couldn't have been the temple. They were already there.)  
  
"Stop right there!" Sailor Moon yelled. "I was reading comic books and laughing like a hyena! You took that away from me! I demand justice! What a coincidence, I fight for it, too! Hey, I'm kind of like a lawyer," she realized, more to herself then the yo-- uh, monster. "Except that I'm way cooler. I get to wear these little skirts that show off my rock-hard thighs, and I get to wave around this neato little stick thingy, and..."  
  
Sweatdrops from the remaining Sailors. "Well," Sailor Mars continued, "I was sweeping when you disturbed the peace! And I don't really enjoy sweeping, so I'm grateful for the break! To thank you, I'll be sure to drag out your torture!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Jupiter!" Jupiter said. "I'm really big--"  
  
"Oh, that's right!" Sailor Mars remembered. "I'm Sailor Mars!"  
  
"The pyro," the monster supplied.  
  
"I'M NOT A PYRO!" Sailor Mars shrieked. "Mars Fire IGNITE!"  
  
Sweatdrops from the Sailors still paying attention. "Do you mind?" Sailor Jupiter asked, mildly annoyed. "In any event...Me Sailor Jupiter! Me big! Me strong! And if you look up my skirt, I'll kick you in the crotch!"  
  
The monster looked fearful and covered his area.  
  
"Way to get his attention," Venus grumbled. "I'm Sailor Venus! I look blond! I am blond! No duh!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Mercury! I have a computer, and I study a lot! And I do mean a lot! That reminds me...I'm only thirty-five chapters ahead of the class! I'd better study!"  
  
She whipped out a book and buried her face in it. Sailor Moon, after making a frantic call to an agency in an attempt to start up her own law firm (in which she did not succeed), returned to the group. "Is it time to moondust him yet?" she asked breathlessly.  
  
"Not yet," Venus answered. "Go back to your nap."  
  
Promptly Sailor Moon lay down and fell asleep.  
  
"We're going to punish you!" Sailor Jupiter yelled. "Mainly because this scene is going on too long!"  
  
***  
  
In an unusual act of kindness, the author cut to Evil Mastermind Guy, who was in the middle of a monologue. Unfortunately, she was a bit late and missed about half the speech:  
  
"And there will be cheese for all! CHEESE!" Evil Master-mind Guy yelled.  
  
As you can see, it made no sense. So the author cut back to the battle.  
  
***FIN*** 


	3. We sold our souls for a better speech wr...

And I strike again! You shall all bow down before me and worship the greatness that is me and my lack of a logical and rational mind. Sailormoon doesn't belong to me. Neither does the dub (thankfully). Evil Mastermind Guy does, as do his minions, and any youma belonging to said minions. My friends belong to me also, they just don't know it. Please R/R!  
  
***  
  
Somewhere in Japan:  
  
"What do you want to do, Alex?" Michelle asked.  
  
"Beats me," Alex answered. "How did we get here? Wasn't I kicking some censor's butt? Weren't you getting confused by Heather and this Japanese girl who looked exactly like Heather and this really hot chick with a number in her name?"  
  
"What do you want to do, Alex?" Michelle asked. Unbeknownst to Alex, Mistress 9 had implanted a microchip in Michelle's brain, causing her to repeat the same sentence over and over. Or was it Heather?  
  
***  
  
Oops, sorry for that little detour. Back to the battle...  
  
"Jupiter Thunderclap ZAP!" Sailor Jupiter yelled.  
  
"Venus Love Chain ENCIRCLE!" exclaimed Sailor Venus.  
  
"If twice 'x' is equal to three 'z', blahdy blah..." muttered Sailor Mercury.  
  
"I have a little piece of paper I'm going to plaster to you to make you freeze in place! No one has any idea why I do this, as this is a DiC series now and there is no such thing as the Shinto religion! I call upon the power of Mars...Fireballs, CHARGE!"  
  
He froze in place. (Duh.) "Sailor Moon, now's your chance!" Sailor Mercury said, out of habit. She never once looked up from her thick textbook.  
  
"Oh, yeah," Sailor Moon said, forgetting once again that she was supposed to be paying attention. Of course, she had been paying attention, but that was irrelevant.  
  
"Moon...Scepter...ACTIVATION!" she yelled, blasting him to moondust. All rejoiced. ("Yay.")  
  
Just then, Sailor Earth, along with Tuxedo Mask, came running up. They would have joined the battle, but were too busy smooching in the woods. Luna, Artemis, and Molly weren't too far behind. And then came Heather, followed closely by Hotaru, still holding the Glaive. Alex and Michelle were last, also too busy smooching in the woods.  
  
"Did we miss the battle?" Sailor Earth, Tuxedo Mask, Molly, Luna, Artemis, Heather, Hotaru, Alex, and Michelle chorused.  
  
"Yep." The Scouts powered down, Sailor Earth and Tuxedo Mask included. They did not know why they did this. Just for fun, I guess.  
  
"But more importantly, who sent the creature?" Luna said. "I have a feeling there's an evil mastermind behind this."  
  
"Yes, and I am that mastermind!" a voice said. They looked up. A guy was standing on a tree branch, looking down on them. He had really spiky black hair and was wearing a lot of black with silver chains. A spiked dog collar was around his neck.  
  
"Hmm...I should get you one of those collars, Michelle," Alex said.  
  
"Don't even think it," both Michelle and the author warned.  
  
Alex just stood there with a thoughtful look on her face. A giant pen came from the sky and poked her in the back. "I told you not to think that!" the author snapped.  
  
Alex hung her head meekly. "Sorry."  
  
"Well, I am the evil mastermind," Spiky Guy continued. "I am the galactically feared, globally reviled, universally despised...they call me...Scott."  
  
"Scott?" Serena asked.  
  
"Isn't that stupid," Raye said.  
  
"He looks like my old boyfriend..." Lita cooed.  
  
Scott sweatdropped. "You will bow down before me, pesky humans!"  
  
"Never!" Raye shouted. "The only reason we're lower than you now is 'cuz you're standing on a tree branch like a loser!"  
  
"Hey! It's dramatic!" both Scott and Darien yelled.  
  
"Whatever. Just wait until we transform, and we'll kick your booty! Mars Star power!"  
  
"Mercury Star Power!"  
  
"Jupiter Star Power!"  
  
"Venus Star Power!"  
  
"Moon Crystal Power!"  
  
"Neptune Planet Power!"  
  
"Your-anus Planet Power!"  
  
Scott laughed at that.  
  
"Saturn Planet Power!" exclaimed Heather.  
  
"Saturn Planet Power!" exclaimed Hotaru.  
  
Heather gave her a dirty look. "Hey, that's my line!"  
  
"Who's got the big knife?" Hotaru said calmly.  
  
Heather backed down.  
  
"Earth Big Clumps of Soil and Rock Power!"  
  
"Luna Cat Power!"  
  
"Artemis Cat Power!"  
  
"Tuxedo This-Is-A-Rental-I-Got-It-Cheap-At-Billy's-Tux-Emporium-On-Forty-Fifth-Street-Because-The-Last-Guy-Who-Rented-It-Died-In-It Power!" exclaimed Darien.  
  
The Scouts looked at him, wide-eyed (as if their eyes weren't wide enough already).  
  
"Now we know why we never see you transform," Sailor Mars remarked.  
  
"You mean I've been smooching a guy who's wearing a tuxedo that some guy died in?" Sailor Moon and Sailor Earth shrieked at the same time, both wiping their Sailor suits frantically.  
  
"Molly Power!" exclaimed Molly in her annoying voice.  
  
Scott covered his ears.  
  
"I am Sailor Moon! I couldn't start my own law firm, and I'm steamed! I punish people for fun! But you're cute and my boyfriend wears clothing that people died in, so I might change my mind!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Mars! I'm not a pyro!"  
  
"I am Sailor Mercury! I don't fight a lot because my powers suck! I have bubbles for cryin' out loud! I'm like that pink poofy guy!"  
  
"Jigglypuff?" Venus asked.  
  
Mercury shook her head. "No."  
  
"Clefairy?"  
  
"Uh-uh."  
  
"Mr. Whipple?" Jupiter guessed.  
  
"Isn't he the Charmin guy?"  
  
"Mr. Bubble?" Sailor Moon finally said.  
  
"Oh yeah...that's it."  
  
"I'm Sailor Jupiter! I'm big and strong and wear a short skirt! I like to beat people up! I wear a short skirt! Or did I already mention that?"  
  
"You did," Scott said. "I like you."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"I'm Sailor Venus! You're cute!"  
  
"Venus!" Mercury said. "You're supposed to say not-nice things about him!"  
  
"Oh, yeah. Um...In the name of punishment, I will moon you!" Venus yelled.  
  
"That's not right, either," Mercury whispered.  
  
"Oh, isn't it?" Venus replied. Promptly she turned, aimed her rear at Scott, and bent over. Scott liked. Hentai fanboys liked.  
  
"I'm Sailor Uranus!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Neptune!"  
  
Uranus pointed at her partner. "You can't have her! She's my lover!"  
  
"Ooh, kinky."  
  
"I'm Sailor Saturn!" Heather and Hotaru said at the same time. "I will punish you for leering at my parents!" Heather glared daggers at Hotaru. Hotaru waved her Glaive at Heather. "Point taken," Heather said. (Hee hee. Glaive puns. God, I love this job.)  
  
Somewhere in the shadows, Mistress 9 lurked.  
  
"I am Tuxedo Mask! I may look like a doof in a tux, but, well, I am! This rose will prick you to death!"  
  
Scott laughed. (Come on, who doesn't think that rose is silly?)  
  
"I am Luna! I don't get many lines in fanfics!"  
  
"I am Artemis! Neither do I!"  
  
"I am Sailor Annoying! You will hate my voice!"  
  
Scott hated it.  
  
"I am Sailor Earth! Since I am the last one to make a speech, I will totally rewrite the Bylaws and be the first to attack! Earth Fall On Your Face In The Mud!" A splotch of mud came up and whacked Scott in the face, totally blurring his vision. He fell out of the tree and cried.  
  
"Oh, poor baby," Mistress 9 cooed, stepping out of the shadows and cradling the fallen Scott. "Come with me. We will be evil together."  
  
Laughing like madmen, Scott and Mistress 9 ran away, never to be seen again. Author liked. Sailors liked. Some readers liked. The ones who didn't were killed by Sailor 'I'm Not A Pyro' Mars and her fire igniting thing.  
  
"No fair!" the Scouts whined. "We didn't get to punish!"  
  
"It doesn't matter!" Sailor Pluto exclaimed, appearing before them. "I've been consulting the timeline, and you guys are wildly out of place! It's time for a power-up!"  
  
"Another one?" Sailor Moon whined, but it went unheard.  
  
"Now look inside yourselves and let your true colors shine through," Pluto instructed. The Scouts did so.  
  
"Ooh...purdy cullers..."  
  
After some 'oohing' and 'ahhing', they had transformed into senshi, speaking perfect Japanese. Sailor Moon was upgraded to Eternal Sailor Moon, the others to Super Sailors. Molly (Sailor Annoying) turned into Osaka Naru and disappeared for the rest of the series, save for a few brief cameos in S and SuperS. Sailor Earth didn't exist anymore. But she never did, so the others felt no loss. Not even Tuxedo Mask, who transformed into Tuxedo Kamen and came to the frightening conclusion that the entire time he had been making out with a tree. (Hmm...puts a whole new spin on the term 'tree hugger', doesn't it?) Heather was obliterated, much to the disappointment of Hotaru, who always was who she was supposed to be, and never got to slice, dice, and make Julienne fries with the Glaive. Haruka and Michiru got to be lovers openly, and were happy with that. (Not that kind of openly, ya hentai.)  
  
"Of course, with this new power-up comes an unfortunate stipulation," Pluto said, and as she spoke, a vortex thingy opened in the sky and out fell Chibi-Usa, promptly hitting Sailormoon on the head, as everyone expected her to do.  
  
***FIN*** 


	4. Marshmallows, umbrellas, and Trekkies.

And God stretched his hands out, and there was more fanfic. And the people ran in fear.  
Sailormoon doesn't belong to me. Everyone else does. You should know this by now.  
  
***  
  
Evil Mastermind Guy was annoyed. A minion had failed, and not only that, but he had run off with a cute evil chick. That sucked beans. Oh, yeah, and the Sailor Scouts turned Japanese, and were no longer stupid and annoying.  
  
"I want another minion!" Evil Mastermind Guy wailed.  
  
"I'll serve you," a dopey voice said. Out from the shadows came a tall, geeky guy with red hair, freckles, braces, and glasses, wearing a white apron with the words "Burger Bob's" printed on it and a silly red-and-white striped hat.  
  
"Who are you?" Evil Mastermind Guy asked, annoyed.  
  
"Timothy," the geeky guy answered.  
  
Evil Mastermind Guy rolled his eyes. "Oh, brother. NEXT!"  
  
"I'm good with technology," Timothy said hurriedly. He pushed his apron to the side and revealed a pocket protector. He reached in the hip pocket of his too-short jeans and pulled out a Muppet Babies velcro wallet. He opened it up and produced a card, which Evil Mastermind Guy read:  
  
"Star Trekkie number 103." He handed it back to Timothy. "Impressive. Hmm...favorite Star Wars character?"  
  
"Han Solo," they both answered instantly. Evil Mastermind Guy grinned. "Do you go on the Internet often, Timothy?"  
  
"Everyday."  
  
"I think we have a position for you..."  
  
***  
  
Usagi and Mamoru sat on a grassy bank in the park, holding hands.  
  
"I love you, Mamo-chan," Usagi cooed.  
  
"I love you more, Usako."  
  
"I love you most, Mamo-chan."  
  
"I love you mostest, Usako."  
  
"Oh, gag," Luna, who had just popped up out of nowhere, said. Usagi smacked the cat with her purse.  
  
***  
  
Haruka, Michiru, and Hotaru were going to the grocery store to pick up some food. (Duh.) As they approached the door, they spotted a mechanical horse, and a familiar voice said, "I want to ride the horse!"  
  
"No, honey," Michiru said. "We don't have time. You want dinner tonight, don't you?"  
  
"I want to ride the horse!"  
  
"We can have some ice cream when we get home."  
  
"I want to ride the horse!"  
  
"With pie," Michiru tried feebly.  
  
"I want to ride the horse!" Her voice was shrill now, and they were getting lots of stares.  
  
"Would you shut up?" Michiru hissed with a clenched-tooth smile.  
  
"Nothing doing," Haruka said.  
  
"I WANT TO RIDE THE HORSE!"  
  
"Dammit!" Michiru said, and fished in her purse for a coin, which she handed over. "Ride away. But we're going inside."  
  
As they went into the store, the joyous cry of "Ride 'em, cowboy!" rang out through the parking lot. Haruka happily held the sides of the horse as it rocked back and forth.  
  
***  
  
Back at Evil Mastermind Guy's spiffy fourth-dimension lair, he was sitting on the throne. "Where's my new minion?" Evil Mastermind Guy yelled.  
  
"Sir, here I am," Timothy said, walking in. He was still wearing the Burger Bob outfit, as Evil Mastermind Guy didn't have an evil uniform in Timothy's size.  
  
"Do you have a new plan for the conquer of Earth?" Evil Mastermind Guy asked.  
  
Timothy frowned. "I thought we were going for universal conquest here," he answered.  
  
"Baby steps," Evil Mastermind Guy said wisely. "We do this one thing at a time, my friend."  
  
"Genius," Timothy said admiringly.  
  
"Thank you. Well, we need an evil name for you. I'm thinking that since most evil names are some kind of jewel or precious stone, we'll tack an 'ite' on your name and leave it at that."  
  
"Timothyite?" Timothy asked. "Sorry, but that sounds lame."  
  
Evil Mastermind Guy was hurt. "Well, you try to think of something better!" he snapped. "I can't be an evil mastermind all the time."  
  
"How about Duhite?" Timothy suggested.  
  
"That's stupid," Evil Mastermind Guy said. But he couldn't think of anything better. So Timothy became Duhite.  
  
***  
  
Setsuna had just been drinking some serious alcohol and was feeling a bit tipsy. She was naturally in no condition to run the Gates of Time. So maybe that's why Chibi-Usa and Diana, instead of visiting the past like they were supposed to do, ended up in a post-apocalyptic 21st century, after the whole Y2K thing. Go figure.  
  
***  
  
"Wasn't Chibi-Usa supposed to visit yesterday?" Rei asked.  
  
"Who cares?" Usagi answered.  
  
"Wait, she was already here!" Ami pointed out. "She came and she was gone without a line of dialogue. How peculiar."  
  
"That's nice," Usagi said. "Now ask me if I care."  
  
***  
  
Somewhere else in Minato-ku, three strange but sexy (in a certain transvestite sense, I guess) young men had just enrolled at Juuban High School.  
  
"You do realize we're about three months too early for Stars, don't you, guys?" Yaten asked.  
  
"Who cares?" Seiya answered. "We get to have more fun this way. And besides, haven't you been reading along? The whole story's out of whack."  
  
"Where's Chibi Chibi?" Taiki asked.  
  
***  
  
Elsewhere, a small, totally kawaii girl with pink odango stood under an umbrella, three months too early, although only the drunken Setsuna and the Three Lights knew it, and to Setsuna it meant nothing, seeing as how she was plastered and spent most weekends confined to her couch nursing a bottle of vodka that she'd dubbed 'Stevie'.  
  
"Chibi."  
  
***  
  
"Minna, I'm sensing something," Rei said.  
  
"Me too," Michiru said.  
  
"It's foggy."  
  
"With a sort of marshmallowy texture."  
  
"I got it!" Ami yelled.  
  
"Nani?" the senshi chorused.  
  
"Usagi's brain!"  
  
***  
  
Chibi-Usa and Diana were confused. More confused than usual, that is. "Diana?" Chibi-Usa said.  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."  
  
"Kansas? Where's that?"  
  
"Beats me." There was a pause. "Diana?"  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"I think Puu messed up."  
  
"No duh, Small Lady."  
  
***FIN*** 


	5. I'm just waiting for the aliens to come ...

You know the drill. The characters that you've heard of before reading this aren't mine. The ones you haven't are. That's terribly obvious, but I don't want any corporate big-wigs suing my high school butt, as I have a bottle of Snapple Elements (Earth) filled with pennies to my name. Please R/R, it's not too much to ask.  
  
***  
  
The inner and outer senshi, with the exception of Sailor Pluto, who was suffering a severe hangover, were assembled at Hikawa Jinja when they heard the screams.  
  
"I sense trouble!" Rei cried.  
  
"Minna, henshin yo!" Usagi commanded.  
  
"That's my line!" Luna whined. Usagi smacked the cat with her purse, as she was prone to doing. Funny thing was, she didn't even have a purse with her at the time. Go figure.  
  
"Mars Crystal Power, make UP!"  
  
"Mercury Crystal Power, make UP!"  
  
"Jupiter Crystal Power, make UP!"  
  
"Venus Crystal Power, make UP!"  
  
"Uranus Planet Power, make UP!"  
  
"Neptune Planet Power, make UP!"  
  
"Saturn Planet Power, make UP!" Saturn cried, then realized that no one was ever supposed to see her transform, so she ran to the bathroom and hid.  
  
The Sailor Senshi ran to the scream, and found a big-breasted, olive-skinned youma with shiny white teeth and curly hair singing wildly off-key while dancing badly. The humans around the youma were fainting and screaming in agony.   
  
"Do you think those are real?" Sailor Jupiter whispered to Venus, who giggled.  
  
"Shut up!" the youma yelled. "I am so sick of these rumors! If people see me as a sexual object, then that's flattering, but that's not the kind of person I am!"  
  
The senshi sweatdropped. "You're kidding, right?"  
  
"Who are you?" Sailor Moon demanded.  
  
"I am Britney Martin! The evil crossover of Ricky Martin and Britney Spears, two people that the author hates, so you should too!"  
  
Instantly the senshi began screaming and covering their ears. "Make it stop!" Sailor Moon wailed.  
  
"Burningu Mandala!" exclaimed Sailor Mars.  
  
"Sparklingu Waido Preshaa!" exclaimed Sailor Jupiter.  
  
"Shine Aqua Illusion!" exclaimed Sailor Mercury.  
  
"Venus Love-Me Chain!" exclaimed Sailor Venus.  
  
"Waldo Shaking!" exclaimed Sailor Uranus.  
  
"Deep Submergi!" exclaimed Sailor Neptune.  
  
"Silence Glaive Sapuraizu!" exclaimed Sailor Saturn.  
  
"There's a lot of exclaiming going on!" exclaimed Sailor Moon.  
  
The author could think of nothing more to write, so the segment ended.  
  
***  
  
Evil Mastermind Guy and Duhite were chilling at Evil Mastermind Guy's hip, four-dimensional pad. "What do you think we should do about the extermination of the Sailor Senshi?" Evil Mastermind Guy asked.  
  
"I'm already on it, your great four-dimensional one," Duhite said proudly. "I used my technological genius, the chemistry set I got for my tenth birthday, celebrity DNA, and several common household objects to create horrible mutants, which I am using to pummel the senshi into oblivion."  
  
"Nice!" Evil Mastermind Guy said approvingly. He loved evil plots.  
  
***  
  
Somewhere in Minato-ku, the Three Lights entered a building. Their agent refused to share any more information.  
  
***  
  
The inner senshi had gathered at Usagi's house after defeating the youma, and were watching the DiCed-up version of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon.  
  
"Do I really act like that all the time?" Usagi asked, watching in disgusted shock as Serena-the-Hyena wailed and whined some.  
  
"No, Usagi-chan," Makoto said faithfully.  
  
"Just most of the time," Rei volunteered.  
  
"Ra-ye, you're so...meeean to meee!" Serena wailed on the screen. "Yeah!" Usagi agreed. "What she said!"  
  
"Stupid Sailor Simps," 'Jedite' laughed on screen. "I'll get you yet."  
  
"That's Jadeite?" Minako asked. "He's kawaii."  
  
"Minako-chan!" the senshi said, sweatdropping.  
  
"It's Jedite, not Jadeite," Ami said authoritatively. "And he's evil, Minako-chan. No one that you should be hanging around with."  
  
"Not that it matters," Usagi threw in. "Queen Beryl got angry with him and cryogenically froze him."  
  
A group sweatdrop. "'Cryogenically'?" Rei asked. "Did I just hear you say that, Usagi-chan?"  
  
Usagi made a face. "Just 'cause I don't act smart doesn't mean that I'm not smart, ya know. Cut me some slack."  
  
The author partnered up with Evil Mastermind Guy, and they decided that Usagi's burst of wordiness was totally uncharacter-istic, and they decided that it never should have happened. So it never did.  
  
***  
  
The inner senshi had gathered at Usagi's house after defeating the youma, and were watching the DiCed-up version of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon.  
  
"Do I really act like that all the time?" Usagi asked, watching in disgusted shock as Serena-the-Hyena wailed and whined some.  
  
"No, Usagi-chan," Makoto said faithfully.  
  
"Just most of the time," Rei volunteered.  
  
"Ra-ye, you're so...meeean to meee!" Serena wailed on the screen. "Yeah!" Usagi agreed. "What she said!"  
  
"Stupid Sailor Simps," 'Jedite' laughed on screen. "I'll get you yet."  
  
"That's Jadeite?" Minako asked. "He's kawaii."  
  
"Minako-chan!" the senshi said, sweatdropping.  
  
"It's Jedite, not Jadeite," Ami said authoritatively. "And he's evil, Minako-chan. No one that you should be hanging around with."  
  
"Not that it matters," Usagi threw in. "Queen Beryl got irked at him and froze him and junk."  
  
"Better," Evil Mastermind Guy commented, scrolling down the page. "But this is dull and not funny. I demand a scene change!"  
  
And so it was done.  
  
***  
  
The front door of Usagi's house opened. In came Tsukino Ikuko, with a small, pink-haired girl.  
  
"Usagi, meet your new sister," said Ikuko.  
  
"Chibi," said Chibi Chibi.  
  
"Damn," said Usagi.  
  
***  
  
Back to the future. Chibi-Usa and Diana stood dully in the ruins of the town. "Maybe we should get moving or something," Diana suggested. "So the hounds don't get us or whatever."  
  
"Hounds?"  
  
"Figure of speech."  
  
"In what universe?"  
  
"Maybe in one of Hotaru's little simulated ones?"  
  
***FIN*** 


	6. Steven Tyler scares me, and Seiya gets n...

Standard disclaimers apply. Well, duh.  
  
***  
  
Another youma attacked the fair city of Tokyo. That was to be expected, as according to the Sailormoon universe, no other city in the world exists. Not even Boston. Harvard just kinda floats there in space.  
  
Anyway...this time, the youma was a cross between Richard Simmons and Steven Tyler. "I will make you sweat to the oldies!" he declared to the city. "My oldies. Let me begin with a number I like to call 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing'. I could stay awake, just to HEAR you breathing..."  
  
"NOOO!!!" People started yelling and covering their ears, falling to their knees in agony.  
  
"We should stop this guy," Taiki said.  
  
"Yeah, we really should," Yaten agreed.  
  
"Hai," Seiya sighed. "We should."  
  
None of them moved. The screaming continued.  
  
"Damn, this isn't getting any better," Taiki said.  
  
"Nope, it really isn't," Yaten agreed.  
  
"Iie," Seiya sighed. "It isn't."  
  
None of them moved. Richard Simmons/Steven Tyler, who had no real name, started to do leg lifts. "Come on now, let's burn some fat!" he shouted.  
  
"Now it's getting downright idiotic," Taiki said.  
  
"Yeah, really idiotic," Yaten agreed.  
  
"Hai," Seiya sighed. "Idiotic."  
  
None of them moved. Suddenly the youma jumped up and attacked the café the Lights were sitting in. "I could stay awake, just to HEAR you breathing..." he crooned.  
  
"Dammit!" Seiya yelled. "It's one thing for him to be annoying and idiotic. But it's another thing for him to be annoying and idiotic within close proximity! Minna, henshin yo!"  
  
"Do we have to?" Taiki whined. Yaten rolled his eyes.  
  
"I said, MINNA, HENSHIN YO!" Seiya yelled, getting all flamy-eyed like anime characters do.  
  
"Eep!" Taiki yelped. "Okay. Maker Star Power, make UP!"  
  
"Healer Star Power, make UP!" exclaimed Yaten.  
  
"Fighter Star Power, make UP!" exclaimed Seiya.  
  
They ran up to the youma. "Triple Sailor KICK!" was their cry, knocking the rather plump youma over.  
  
"Who are you?" Richard Simmons/Steven Tyler asked.  
  
"Sailor Star Fighter!"  
  
"Sailor Star Healer!"  
  
"Sailor Star Maker!"  
  
"Stage on!"  
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
  
***  
  
"Minna, I'm sensing something," Rei said.  
  
"Me too," Michiru said.  
  
"Let's go then," Usagi said. "Minna, henshin yo!"  
  
"Mercury Crystal Power, make UP!" Ami said. Rei held up her hand. "Hold on. We're wasting valuable time as it is. Let's just cut to the battle scene and get it over with."  
  
And so they did.  
  
***  
  
"Hold it right there!" Sailor Moon yelled. "I'm Sailor Moon! I make corny speeches and crap! Be afraid, be very afraid!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Mercury! I have an IQ of 300! I will out-think you to death!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Mars! And I'm not a pyro!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Jupiter! These speeches are stupid!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Venus! I kinda like 'em!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Uranus! Blahdy blahdy blah!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Neptune! What she said!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Pluto! I am so wasted  
  
"I'm Sailor Saturn! These speeches are beginning to really deteriorate! The next time we do this, I'm getting a writer! We're the Sailor Senshi, and we will punish you!"  
  
The youma was hardly impressed. "You're right, those speeches do kinda suck. You need something new."  
  
"Sailor Star Fighter!"  
  
"Sailor Star Healer!"  
  
"Sailor Star Maker!"  
  
"Stage on!"  
  
Richard Simmons/Steven Tyler grimaced. "Not you three again!" He rubbed his arm where they had kicked him. "Stupid strippers."  
  
"WE'RE NOT STRIPPERS!" the StarLights screamed.  
  
"Wow, those leather numbers are really something, eh, Michiru?" Uranus asked, nudging her partner in the ribs.  
  
"Haruka, not in front of the children!" Neptune hissed.  
  
"We're only a year younger than you!"  
  
Richard Simmons/Steven Tyler rubbed his head. "Would you all please just shut up? I'm getting a headache, and I can't sing if the guitar rifts get too loud."  
  
"Senshi huddle!" Sailor Moon yelled, and the senshi got into a circle. "What say we have some fun with him?" she suggested. "You know, let him think he's winning for a while."  
  
"Sounds good to me," Mars agreed.  
  
"Let's do it," the senshi said.  
  
But as they turned around, the three leather-clad senshi were aiming at Simmons/Tyler. "Star Serious Laser!" Sailor Star Fighter exclaimed.  
  
"Are you kidding me?" the youma asked with a smirk.  
  
"I said serious, dammit!"  
  
"Star Sensitive Inferno!" Sailor Star Healer yelled.  
  
"There's something not right about that," Simmons/Tyler said, scratching his curly-haired head.  
  
"That's practically an oxymoron," Mercury said.  
  
"Star Gentle Uterus!"  
  
Simmons/Tyler and the senshi all fell down laughing. (Uterus. Tee hee.) But as Simmons/Tyler hit the pavement, all three attacks hit him, and he went poof. All rejoiced. ("Yay.")  
  
"Hold it one cotton-pickin' minute," Sailor Moon said, giving the Starlights one nasty look, "I thought we agreed to play around with this loser!"  
  
"Did we take part in your stupid little huddle?" Star Healer sneered. "I think not."  
  
"Chill, Healer," Star Fighter said, looking all hearty-eyed at Sailor Moon. "She's kinda cute."  
  
"Ew!" Sailor Moon shrieked. "Ew, ew, ew!"  
  
"Hey, I thought you were all for girl-girl things," Neptune said, confused. Uranus glared at Sailor Moon.  
  
"I am," she replied. "Just not with me *in* them."  
  
Sweatdrop.  
  
"After all, I've got Mamo-chan."  
  
Sweatdrop number two.  
  
"Speaking of which, where is Tuxedo Kamen-sama?" Mercury wondered aloud. "When was the last time he showed up?" The senshi were bemused. So was the author. They scrolled down the pages.  
  
"Not since chapter four," Mars said. "Mysterious that he disappears and all, right when these leather-clad senshi show up."  
  
"Come on now," Jupiter said, feeling that she didn't have nearly enough good lines. "Is it really that mysterious?"  
  
"Speaking of peculiar, what happened to Chibi Chibi?" Star Maker asked. No one knew.  
  
***  
  
"Chibi," Chibi Chibi said, resting comfortably in front of the TV.  
  
"How kawaii!" Tsukino Ikuko squealed, and fetched Chibi Chibi some more cookies.  
  
***FIN*** 


	7. Why ARE the biscuits limp, anyway?

Heyza, my legions of fans! (And anyone who happened to stumble upon this sad excuse for a fanfic while they were half-emerged in the refrigerator looking for leftover coldcuts.) Chapter 7 now. When I first wrote this, back in the day, I just wrote it as this continuous, neverending thing, so forgive me if things don't make sense from segment to segment.  
Sailormoon isn't mine. If it was, I'd be really, really, really rich right now and wouldn't waste my time talking to you.  
I wuv you! ^.^v NeoVenus22  
  
***  
  
"Diana?"  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"I'm bored."  
  
"Why would that be, Small Lady?"  
  
"Here I am in this boring place, with no one to talk to."  
  
"And what do I look like? Dog food?"  
  
"Do you really want me to answer that?"  
  
***  
  
"Okay, there are many myths to be solved here," Usagi said. "Who the hell is Chibi Chibi, and why is she so damned annoying?" She looked at Minako.  
  
"What are you looking at me for?" Minako asked. "I'm not psychic."  
  
Usagi looked at Rei.  
  
"What are you looking at me for?" Rei said. "I'm not psy--er, yes I am. I am psychic. Let's see..." She held her index fingers to her temples and made a stupid face. "Ohhmm..." She began to rock her head back and forth, and then started banging it up and down. "I'm picking up something..."  
  
"Looks to me like she's picking up a Lump Buzzcut song," Makoto said, and the others looked at her blankly. "It's an American band..." she explained. "I was trying to be funny."  
  
"Trying is right," Ami remarked.  
  
"Uh...I think it's Limp Bizkit, not Lump Buzzcut, anyway," Minako said.  
  
"Biscuit?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Whatever," Makoto said. "They're both stupid names, so I don't care."  
  
"Biscuit?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Ohhmm..." Rei said, still rocking. She stopped suddenly and looked up. She seemed dizzy. "What the hell was I meditating for, anyway?"  
  
"You mean you don't know?" Makoto said.  
  
"Biscuit?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Totally slipped my mind," Rei admitted. "I got to thinking about...whatever it was, and then...I just kinda faded out... Why the hell is the author using so many ellipses? They make me dizzy."  
  
"Biscuit?" Usagi asked.  
  
"You were trying to find out the answer to Usagi's question about Chibi Chibi," Ami said.  
  
"I think there were two," Minako offered.  
  
"Yeah, 'who the hell is she' and 'why is she so damned annoying', those were the questions," Makoto said.  
  
"Biscuit?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Well, I can only answer one," Rei said. "I'm tired and I'm not getting paid. So, what's it gonna be?"  
  
"Who the hell is she," Ami said.  
  
"No, the why is she so damned annoying," Minako argued.  
  
"Biscuit?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Mako-chan, tiebreaker?" Rei said, holding her head in one hand. She had a migraine from all the yelling and stuff.  
  
"Definitely the annoying thing. She's so...pink and...sugary. It kinda pisses me off, ya know?"  
  
"Biscuit?" Usagi asked.  
  
"All too well," Rei agreed.   
  
"But, Mako-chan...I thought pink was one of your favorite colors!" Minako said. "And I thought that you liked sugary stuff!"  
  
"Biscuit?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Dude, you have got to stop going to Sailor Moon sites on the Web. Those things aren't all right, got it? I mean, seriously. You don't play that much volleyball, and when was the last time out of Sailor V and maybe a few instances in the manga that you came across the police?"  
  
"Good point," Minako said.  
  
"Okay," Rei said. "The annoying question it is. Ohhmm..."  
  
"Biscuit?" Usagi asked. "Why am I so damned hungry?"  
  
***  
  
Timothy --er, that is...Duhite-- was in his lair, concocting potions and crap. Well, 'lair' is a bit strong a word. 'Cubicle', perhaps. Yeah, that oughta do it. Anyway, he was mixing together some celebrity DNA to create more evil youmas to destroy the Power Rangers. Wait a minute, that's another series entirely. Well...we could have them make a guest appearance, but...not for a while. 'Kay? Good. Where were we, then? Oh, Duhite mixing celebrity DNA to create youmas to destroy the Sailor Senshi. Let's look in, shall we?  
  
"Dude, I need someone strong and someone...someone smart," Duhite muttered. "Arnold Schwarzenegger and Einstein? No, he's dead. Um, Bill Clinton? No, not scary enough. How about..." he snapped his fingers. "Got it! Ross Perot. They'll never see that one coming!" Duhite laughed devilishly (since he was only a rookie and can't do evil laughter yet, the loser). "Mwah ha ha. It's brilliant. Ah-nold and Mr. Perot. How evil."  
  
***  
  
Another pointless meeting at Hikawa Jinja. Arguing, and lots of it. In attendance were Haruka, Michiru, Usagi, Rei (no duh), Ami, Minako, Makoto, Hotaru, and a sleepy Setsuna. Chibi-Usa and her cat were still stuck in dump-land. Luna and Artemis were whooping it up in Usagi's bedroom, as she was not there.  
  
"Chibi!"  
  
Oh, yeah. Chibi Chibi was there too. Go figure.  
  
"Look, this kid has got to go," Usagi said. "I'll even take Chibi-Usa in her place. Can we make an exchange? Setsuna-sama?"  
  
"Hey, I'm not in charge here," Setsuna groaned from Rei's couch. "Stop yelling. Chibi Chibi ain't going anywhere, and neither am I," she warbled.  
  
"These hangovers get worse every time," Haruka remarked.  
  
"Bite me, Haruka," Setsuna retorted from under a pillow.  
  
"Ooh, I'm shaking. I'm so scared!" Haruka taunted.  
  
"I'm warning you..." Setsuna said. "If I wasn't so goddamn hungover..."  
  
"Yeah? Come and get me! We'll see who's a better senshi!"  
  
"My bets are on Haruka-san," Minako said.  
  
"Hey, I think that Setsuna-san is going to transform and wallop Haruka's booty into dust," Makoto said.  
  
Minako giggled. "You said booty!"  
  
Rei took off her hat and started collecting bets.  
  
"This is not happening," Ami groaned, shaking her head.  
  
"Ahem," Luna said. "I thought we were discussing the new youmas...?"  
  
"Where'd you come from?" Minako asked.  
  
"My ass," Rei said. "Hey, Setsuna-san," she added in a stage whisper. "Can you do me a favor and bomb in the fourth round?"  
  
"New youmas?" Luna tried again.  
  
"What about them?" Ami said, not paying attention.  
  
"We were discussing them."  
  
"Were we?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Nope," Michiru said, buffing her nails.  
  
"Come on!" Haruka yelled. "Bring it on! Come on, Setsuna!"  
  
"Don't make me get all time warp-y on your ass," Setsuna snapped from under the pillow. Irritated, she threw it off and got up. There were HUGE bags under her eyes.  
  
"Did you hear that?"  
  
"Nani?" the senshi chorused.  
  
"Du-uh," Setsuna drawled. "The scream."  
  
"Uh, iie," Usagi said with a sweatdrop.  
  
"Is it cause for alarm?" Rei asked.  
  
"It's possible," Luna said sarcastically.  
  
"When did she show up?" Hotaru asked, coming out of her trance.  
  
"Like we know," Minako said.  
  
"Minna!" Artemis commanded in that fearless-leader cat voice of his. (I'm sorry, is my sarcasm showing?)  
  
"Henshin yo!" Luna finished, since she gets all the good lines.  
  
"When did he show up?" Hotaru complained.  
  
"I've been here longer than Luna," Artemis said.  
  
"Ara. I didn't notice," Hotaru said, dismissing it.  
  
"Sigh. No one ever notices me," Artemis whined.  
  
"I said, henshin yo!" Luna yelled.  
  
"What'll you do if we don't?" Haruka asked.  
  
"Fury Swipes!" an unfamiliar voice broke in. A small cat jumped into the scene.  
  
"Who are you?" Michiru asked.  
  
"Me-owth!" Meowth said, and brandished a set of claws, as did Artemis and Luna. Haruka backed away.  
  
"Got it. Minna, henshin yo! Uranus Planet Power, make UP!"  
  
"Neptune Planet Power, make UP!"  
  
"Hold on here, people," Rei said. "Let's just cut to the next segment, okay? We've already wasted plenty of time talking here."  
  
***FIN*** 


	8. I was dropped on my head as a small chil...

I'm back! Okay, well, I wasn't really gone. But that's the way you like it, right?  
Anyway, I'd like to accept this on behalf of the Academy...I'd like to thank all of my (five) fans, and that one chick at my friend's pool party two years ago who told me I looked like Cindy Crawford, when I don't. But thanks, I think. I'd also like to thank that guy at the bookstore in the mall who hits on me everytime I buy something...yeah, he's like in his thirties, but still, it's appreciated.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailormoon. I don't own any of Tenchi. I don't own Arnold Schwarzenegger or Ross Perot. Not that I want to.  
I also don't own Richard Simmons, Steven Tyler, Ricky Martin, or Britney Spears. You have no idea how much pride I have in saying that.  
Any of the characters I don't own are being used for my own wacky exploits, and the original plan was to return them in good condition, but I was thinking that maybe Richard Simmons could be my new maid. And according to my friend Andrew, Ricky Martin is the deadliest man in America (or wherever he comes from). So I might keep those two for myself. But you never heard it from me.  
Please R/R! You've been so good to me so far, and I don't deserve it.  
I wuv you! ^.^v NeoVenus22 [NeoVenus22@yahoo.com]  
  
***  
  
The next segment. The toughest foe yet. The strength of Ah-nold Schwarzenegger combined with the brain of Ross Perot. "Ooh..." Sailor Venus said. "Muscles."  
  
"Ripply..." Jupiter said, drooling on the front of her fuku.  
  
"I'm Sailor Star Fighter!"  
  
"Sailor Star Healer!"  
  
"Sailor Star Maker!"  
  
"Stage on!"  
  
"What the hell does that mean?" Ah-nold Perot asked.  
  
"We don't know," Star Fighter admitted. "But it sounds cool, doesn't it?"  
  
"No," Ah-nold, Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Venus, Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Mars, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Saturn, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto chorused.  
  
"Chibi," Chibi Chibi said.  
  
"Shut UP!" Sailor Moon yelled, covering her ears with her hands. "Someone make her stop!"  
  
"Why do that when we can make speeches instead?" Mercury suggested logically. To be honest, she didn't really know how to dispose of the little Chib-ster. Too bad, huh?  
  
"Yea!" the senshi cheered, jumping for joy. "Speeches!"  
  
"I am Sailor Moon, champion of justice, with really cool hair! I bet you want the number of my stylist, don't you? Well, you're not getting it!"  
  
"I am Sailor Mercury! I read books and do math problems. For fun! I will bore you to moondust!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Mars! I go to Catholic school, and I'm Shinto! My grandfather is a pervert! That was a bunch of information you didn't need! And I'm NOT a pyro!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Venus! I have unnaturally large breasts for your average high-schooler, and you're sort of hot!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Jupiter! You look like Sempai! I wish!"  
  
"I fight for love! And I fight for justice! I am SAILOR URANUS! In the name of the moon, I shall punish you!" Uranus shouted, striking the standard Sailor Moon pose thingy.  
  
"Um, no?" Sailor Moon said. "Those are so totally my lines, Uranus, and you know it."  
  
"You are just so high school," Uranus said.  
  
"You are just so DiC Sailor Moon," Sailor Moon said.  
  
"Moving on," Neptune said. "I am Sailor Neptune, senshi of the seven seas! Arrgh, mateys! I'm going to make ye walk the plank, ye landlubber!"  
  
"I am Sailor Pluto, hammered senshi of space, time, and 27 different drinks involving vodka!" She took a quick swig of something alcoholic. "Iw wiw puish oo ii the nae uh Pu-wo!" she slurred.  
  
"Chibi! Chibi chibi chibi, chibi chibi? Chibi chibi! Chibi, chibi chibi, chibi chibi chibi chibi. Chibi chibi chibi!" Chibi Chibi said. Have you ever hated the word chibi so much before?  
  
"SHUT UP!!" Sailor Moon yelled at the top of her lungs, knocking everyone over with the sound waves.  
  
"My ears!" Ah-nold wailed, holding his big ears.  
  
"You are such a loser, Odango Atama," Uranus said.  
  
"You are so gay, Uranus," Sailor Moon snapped.  
  
"Yeah, well, my boobs are bigger!"  
  
"I don't think so! I had the biggest boobs a fourteen-year-old's ever possessed at the beginning of the series!"  
  
"Oh, yeah?" Uranus challenged. "Bring it on!"  
  
"Hai, bring it on!" Ah-nold said, his eyes popping out of his head. Sailor Uranus and Sailor Moon sweatdropped. "Hmm...forgot we had an audience," Sailor Moon said. "We'll continue this later."  
  
"Well, probably not," Uranus pointed out.  
  
"True," Sailor Moon agreed. "This is a useless conver-sation used only as a detour for the author in the hopes that no one will realize she forgot how to write battle scenes."  
  
"I HAVE FORGOTTEN NOTHING!" the author thundered. "I believe more in useless dialogue! Who do you think writes all of your speeches?"  
  
"Oh, no wonder they suck," Mars commented.  
  
The author, too pissed off to realize she was probably breaking cardinal fanfic writer rules, killed off the senshi of fire on the spot. And lemme tell ya, it felt good.  
  
"Hold it!" Evil Mastermind Guy (remember him?) yelled. "You can't kill off the senshi! I don't care if you're the author! I'm the only one who can do that!"  
  
Many Mars fans sent angry flames. (Tee hee. Flames. Get it?)  
  
"Okay, okay," the author said with a sigh. "Geez, ya kill one freakin' Sailor Senshi and suddenly everyone's on your ass. What's with these people? The villians kill them off in long, drawn-out, painful deaths, and does anyone really care? No! And besides, it's not like there aren't a million more senshi anyway! All those Mars fans can just love...I dunno, Galaxia or whatever!"  
  
More flames.  
  
"Dammit! Fine! I'll bring back your stupid little bitch pyro senshi, okay? Just get outta my face!" And with a non-existant poof!, Sailor Mars was back.  
  
"Jeez, what was that?" Neptune said.  
  
"Must be that time of month," Uranus whispered.  
  
"Remind me not to piss her off," Jupiter added.  
  
"I'M NOT A PYRO!" Mars screamed.  
  
"Um, could we get back to the battle?" Luna pleaded. "Please? Senshi? Author-sama? Anyone? I can't defeat him by myself, you know..."  
  
Fade to blackness. Ya know why? 'Cause I feel like it! I'm the author, I can do whatever I want! I'm the narrator, so called because I do the narrative of the story! I advance the plot! Surf's up, space ponies! I'm making gravy without the lumps!  
  
***  
  
The next day, or some random time in the nearby future. Maybe next week. Whatever. Battle was over, senshi won. Ah-nold Perot was defeated, and Duhite went to his room to cry. He really like the big-eared terminator. (Who didn't? He should have had better lines. Well, he should have had some lines.)  
  
"I'm sorry, Mom!" Duhite wailed, burying his pimply face in his hands. "I guess I'm just not cut out for this evil super-villian thing after all. I tried Mom, really I did!"  
  
***  
  
"Dang, Duhite failed again," Evil Mastermind Guy said.  
  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Washu said.  
  
EMG facevaulted. "Tenchi's Washu?"  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Plugging Tenchi, of course!" She ran up to the edge of the reader's computer and shook the screen a few times. "Watch my show!!!" And she was gone.  
  
"Oh, I hate shameless plugs," EMG said.  
  
***  
  
After a brief conversation between the author and Evil Mastermind Guy, and a quick check of the Evil Dude Villian Guy Bylaws, it was decided that Duhite would get one last chance, his final battle with the senshi. He would either get defeated or have Evil Mastermind guy kill him. Hmm. Tough choice.  
  
Duhite, the little loser, cried when he heard this. He didn't want to die. So, in an attempt to be out of character, Evil Mastermind Guy said that if Duhite lost but the senshi didn't kill him, he could return to his job and Burger Bob's. Personally, I would rather face death.  
  
"Sailor senshi," he called out into his really large microphone thingy, which not only projected his voice but his blemished image over the cities of Minato-ku and Tokyo. "I throw to you a challenge: a final battle between you and I. Winner takes all."  
  
"Takes all what?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Good question. And how are you talking to me? So many unanswered questions, so little time. Anyway, meet me in the park at midnight so we can battle...to the death. Mwa ha ha ha ha!"  
  
"That's a stupid little laugh," Haruka pointed out.  
  
"Shut up!" Duhite wailed.  
  
***FIN*** 


	9. AOL is now cursing all those times it ki...

Completely randomly: On this school trip to Quebec, we went to this place called the Sugar Shack for dinner, and there were these guys playing a guitar and an accordian, and the patrons played the spoons. And they made us do the Macarena, this weird Canadian accordian version, which I was kinda getting into 'cept for the fact that it went on for ten minutes, seriously. Then, on the bus ride back to the hotel, this guy all grabs the tour guide's microphone and starts karaoking to Right-Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy". It was pretty funny.  
Disclaimer: I don't own any anime or cartoon characters or real people that might be mentioned. I own original characters, hence the use of the term 'original'. Don't take them without permission, please. I know you wouldn't want to, but I kinda like them and want to keep them in good condition.  
^.^v NeoVenus22 [NeoVenus22@yahoo.com]  
  
***  
  
Midnight. The park. Why must the senshi always meet in a park or fight in a park or whatever in a park? Crazy man, it's crazy.  
  
"Hey, funny lookin' guy!" Uranus shouted. "We're here!"  
  
"Shut up!" Duhite said, popping out from behind a tree. His Burger Bob's apron flapped in the breeze. "I am Duhite, general of the Evil Mastermind Guy, the one who created all of those youmas."  
  
"The ones we defeated?" Venus whispered to Jupiter.  
  
"I'm guessing so," Jupiter replied.  
  
"They sucked," Venus said.  
  
"Shut up!" Duhite cried. "Why must you pick on me so?"  
  
"Um...'cause you're a loser?" Uranus guessed.  
  
"Doesn't matter," Neptune said. "It's that time again."  
  
"Yea!" the senshi chorused. "Speeches!"  
  
"Hiya! I'm Sailor Moon, champion of perkiness! I fight for love, justice, and anything cute. Like puppies!" She giggled inanely. "Anyway, I meet up to all blond stereotypes and then some!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Mars, with a fiery spirit and the scorch marks to prove it! And I'll bet a month's royalties off the Sailor Moon series that you turn and run home to mommy before I even finish my first attack!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Mercury, with an IQ of 300! I will out-think you, but that's about it, because I have almost no strength and virtually no powers! If worst comes to worst, I can thwack you upside the head with this really heavy textbook!"  
  
"I am Sailor Jupiter! Zaaaaaaaa!"  
  
"You may know me as the incredible warrior of justice, Sailor V! But the solo scene really isn't my thing, so I joined up with these guys and became the babe you see before you now, Sailor Venus! And there's a quick summary of the series! I think."  
  
"I am Sailor Saturn, the age-challenged chick with the really big, sharp stick! Hee hee, I made a rhyme! Butterfly!"  
  
"I am Sailor Uranus, senshi of the wind and the sky! Hey...I wonder if I can fly. That would be totally cool." She wandered off into the distance, muttering weirdly to herself.  
  
"Samishikatta dake desu. Naita riyuu wa sore dake. Demo yoku aru koto desu. Hitori kiri sanetaku nai," Sailor Neptune sang. "Haunted Junction is the coolest anime!"  
  
"Gaa!" Evil Mastermind Guy said. "I hate shameless plugs."  
  
"Can't it only be a shameless plug if the person is in some way connected with said show and/or product?" Mercury pointed out.  
  
"Whatever," EMG scoffed.  
  
"Okay, will it make you happy if I change my speech?" Sailor Neptune said with a bored and irritated look.  
  
"It wasn't really a speech to begin with, but okay."  
  
"I'm Sailor Neptune, the mighty! Feel the wrath of my big-ass wave! Yee hah hoo!"  
  
"Is that a word?" Evil Mastermind Guy wondered under his breath, but decided not to pursue it because he didn't really want to feel the wrath of her big-ass wave. I mean, who does?  
  
"I'm Sailor Pluto. I can see the future, and you're not in it, pal! Or maybe you are. I should stop sneaking peeks at the timeline when I'm drunk."  
  
"Is that all of us?" Sailor Moon asked.  
  
"Unless you count those weird stripper chicks, yeah," Mars volunteered.  
  
"WE'RE NOT STRIPPERS!!"  
  
"Sailor Star Fighter!"  
  
"Sailor Star Healer!"  
  
"And Sailor Star Maker!"  
  
"Stage on!"  
  
"GET A NEW DAMN SPEECH!" Eternal Sailor Moon, Super Sailor Mercury, Super Sailor Mars, Super Sailor Jupiter, Super Sailor Venus, Super Sailor Uranus, Super Sailor Neptune, Super Sailor Pluto, Super Sailor Saturn, Tuxedo Kamen, Luna, Artemis, Duhite, and Evil Mastermind guy, who wasn't even supposed to be there, shouted.  
  
The Starlights crept off into the shadows to cry.  
  
"Well, that's all of us!" Sailor Moon chirped. "Are you ready to eat asphault, pizza face?"  
  
Duhite started crying.  
  
"Minna!" Luna shouted. "I thought of a way to defeat him without getting all tired and sweaty and stuff. Tease him mercilessly, like you're in grade school!"  
  
"Pizza face!" Sailor Moon repeated.  
  
"What a loser," Mars said. "A cockroach is smarter than you."  
  
"You're a fashion disaster," Venus sneered.  
  
"Idiot," was the worst thing Mercury could come up with.  
  
"You're so flat-chested," Uranus said.  
  
The senshi gave her weird looks and she sweatdropped. "Sorry. I thought we were talking about Usagi."  
  
Sailor Moon made a face.  
  
"You're a complete loser!" Jupiter said.  
  
"Loser!" Neptune chimed in.  
  
"You couldn't defeat George W. 'W' Bush," Saturn said. Everyone just gave her weird looks.  
  
"Even when I'm friggin' drunk I think you're a loser," Pluto said. "Drunk, sober, you're a boob either way."  
  
Duhite was wailing uncontrollably now. "Forget this. I'm going home." And he left.  
  
"Damn!" Evil Mastermind Guy said. "Oh, sorry. Didn't see you readers there. I meant, uh, what I meant was...darn. Yeah, that's it."  
  
"Um, we're not being dubbed anymore," a voice pointed out. Who cares who it belongs to? They're not in the series, so it doesn't matter.  
  
"Damn. Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?"  
  
"Didn't you get the memo?"  
  
"Wha?"  
  
"The memo. Wait a minute. Weren't you there?"  
  
"Where?"  
  
The voice sighed. "Screw it. Nothing is worth this much trouble. Cut to the next segment."  
  
***  
  
Evil Mastermind Guy was hatching an evil plot, a process that involved nest-making and a dang lot of sitting. Finally he sat down in front of his computer and launched his grand master plan. Devious, isn't it?  
  
***  
  
Ami and Minako were sitting at Ami's laptop, surfing the web. Minako, predictibly, was in a wet suit. Suddenly (shocked you, didn't I?), an electronic voice spitted out "You Got Mail."  
  
"Tom Hanks is here?" Minako asked for no apparent reason.  
  
Ami opened up the little box thingy, and gasped in horror. "Call the other senshi! This is an emergency!"  
  
The other senshi arrived and transformed, but you don't get to witness any of that. Sorry. "What's the big emergency, Mercury-chan?" Jupiter asked.  
  
"An e-mail," Mercury said.  
  
"Big frickin' deal," Uranus scoffed.  
  
Mercury shook her head. "From an AOL address."  
  
"Gaa!" the senshi shouted. "Destroy it! Destroy it!"  
  
"It's a chain letter," Mercury reported.  
  
"DESTROY IT! DESTROY IT!"  
  
"Deep...SUBMERGE!" Neptune yelled, causing a mass wave to destroy the computer, the hated e-mail, and many AOL addresses in the process. As Jackie Chan once put it, "Now ask me if I give a shit."  
  
***FIN*** 


	10. Is it just me, or do boybands seem horri...

Heyza. I don't have any opening notes. I'm sure you like it that way. R/R. ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
Evil Mastermind Guy, as is in the Villian Bylaws, was planning a last-ditch attempt to destroy the Sailors before he had to do it himself.  
  
"Uh-huh, that's right. Just for a day or maybe two, if I wanna hold a party," he said into his cell phone. "Yeah, that's good. Thanks, Lou. I owe ya one. Next time you need a hip new bunch of guys for a boy band, I'll send you a few henchmen."  
  
***  
  
Mysterious, isn't it? Well, not really. Cut to the next segment, and it's all good.  
  
***  
  
Five guys showed up in the park where Haruka, Usagi, Rei, Minako, Makoto, Ami, and Setsuna just happened to be. I don't need to make excuses for Michiru, Hotaru, and Chibi Chibi. Make it up your own damn selves. I didn't need them, so they ain't here.  
  
The guys started dancing and singing. Sandwiches dropped, as did jaws. The senshi transformed, if only for the purpose of attracting the guys with short skirts.  
  
"It ain't no lie...baby, bye, bye, bye!" the five guys sang, and the senshi swooned.  
  
"Ah! Pop music! They must be from Evil Mastermind Guy! We have to defeat them!" Uranus yelled. (She, of course, was not attracted to the guys.)  
  
"Are you kidding? We can't defeat them!" Sailor Moon said, all hearty-eyed. "They're *NSYNC!"  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Venus shrieked. "IT'S JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE! I LOVE YOU, JUSTIN!"  
  
"Let me have your baby, Justin!" Jupiter yelled.  
  
"I love you, Lance!" Sailor Mars shouted. "Marry me!"  
  
Yaten popped up out of nowhere. "What about me?" But no one heard him.  
  
Sailor Mercury just jumped up and down, screaming "Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!" at the top of her lungs.  
  
"I can't take this teenybopperness!" Uranus yelled. "They must be destroyed! You with me on this, Pluto?"  
  
"Ooh, that JC is so gorgeous," Pluto said. "Do you think he likes older women?"  
  
"News flash! You're a few eons older, not a few years!" Uranus groaned and shook her head. "I don't believe this. Okay, that does it. We're shedding some pretty boy blood. World--"  
  
"NO!!" Sailor Moon shrieked, diving in front of the band.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" Uranus said.  
  
"You can't kill the five hottest guys in the music business!" Sailor Moon protested. "It's unethical!"  
  
"They're evil!" Uranus said, throwing up her hands.  
  
Sailor Moon threw herself at Justin. "IT'S JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!" she shrieked. "JUSTIN FRICKIN' TIMBERLAKE!"  
  
"YOU CAN'T HAVE JUSTIN, HE'S MINE!" Venus yelled, lunging for Justin.  
  
"Ha ha ha," Evil Mastemind Guy said in his most diabolical voice, popping up unseen for no apparent reason other than to fill us in. "Finally, I have thought of the perfect way to destroy the Sailor Senshi! Little do they know that while the boys of *NSYNC fill the air with their number one hits, they are releasing powerful voices that hit high notes that will eventually crack the overhanging satellite, which will fall down and crush the swooning Sailor Senshi! And they are powerless to stop it! Mwa ha ha ha!" And then he was gone.  
  
Um...yeah. Now how is that diabolically evil? Or even logical?  
  
Anyways, we were watching the...er, I guess it isn't really a battle, is it? Whatever. Everyon'e favorite team of female panty-kicking superheroines with everyone's favorite team of gorgeous male pop superstars. This would make great TV. Someone call me a network exec!  
  
Sailor Venus and Sailor Moon were fighting over Justin. "Girls, c'mon," Justin drawled, pulling the blond senshi apart. "There's plenty of Justin to go around."  
  
Mercury was drooling over that Joey guy, who was commenting on their commonly unnatural haircolors. Yeah, intelligent conversation, my ass.  
  
"Yeah, I'm eons old," Pluto was saying to JC, casually leaning against her Time Staff. "My life's been one of bitter resentment and jealousy...I'm in love with my future queen's husband. It's a bitch."  
  
JC pulled out a pad and started scribbling notes. "That would make a great song!"  
  
Sailor Mars was hanging all over that Lance weirdo, getting way touchy feely, talking about fire (of course). "Ohmigod, Lance, I, like, totally love you. Marry me!" Hmm. Well, she could have been talking about fire. It's not like it's never happened before.  
  
That Chris guy was standing there in his pineapple hair, looking sad at getting completely ignored, as per usual.  
  
Suddenly Carson Daly showed up. "And welcome back to TRL. We're on location...somewhere. Who cares? I get paid no matter where we are! At number one for the millionth straight week is *NSYNC's newest hit single, whatever the hell that may be."  
  
Sailor Jupiter stood in front of the camera, looking bubbly and ditzy, as most TRL fans do. "I requested *NSYNC's 'It's Gonna Be Me,' because it's gonna be me marrying Justin!" she shrieked. "WOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"BACK OFF!" Sailor Moon and Sailor Venus shouted silmontaneously. "JUSTIN'S MINE! I'M GONNA BE THE FUTURE MRS. TIMBERLAKE!!"  
  
Jupiter, Venus, and Moon all started pushing each other around, while Justin watched with an amused smile.  
  
"Crap!" Evil Mastermind Guy said. "This isn't working out at all like I'd hoped. Those stupid Sailor Senshi are seducing the *NSYNCers, and they're not singing!"  
  
Well, no duh. Like we haven't already figured that out.  
  
"Hey, Evil Mastermind Guy!" a guy in a suit, assuming the role of *NSYNC's manager, even though he wasn't really, said, coming in the room. (What room?) "This is unauthorized use of *NSYNC."  
  
"Wha?" Evil Mastermind Guy said. "I got 'em through Lou!"  
  
"You moron!" Suit Dude snapped. "Lou Pearlman isn't in charge of *NSYNC anymore. Don't you read papers? Don't you watch MTV? Nine-nine-ninety-nine? Big battle for the *NSYNC name? This is costing you major royalities to do this, buddy! I'm taking the guys!"  
  
"We don't wanna leave!" the guys whined, enjoying the display of pretty girls in short skirts.  
  
"Too bad," Suit Dude said, snapping his fingers. And the six of them were gone.  
  
"Hey! I still need a boy band for the rest of the day!" Evil Mastermind Guy whined.  
  
"Here, take these five," Suit Dude said as he disappeared. Five other guys showed up where *NSYNC had been.  
  
"When I want it THAT way!" a fat blond guy was singing.  
  
The senshi covered their ears. "Not the Backstreet Boys!" Sailor Moon wailed. "We have to destroy them!"  
  
"It's about freakin' time," Uranus grumbled. "World Shaking!" A blast hit the five annoying guys, and they were dead. The world rejoiced.  
  
***FIN*** 


	11. Gratuitous fanservice! ...Or is it? Ye...

Heyza. Me again. I'm aware this chapter is horribly short. But I had to keep with the theme. Enjoy! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
What good is a Sailor Moon fanfic without a lot of gratuitous fanservice, I ask? Well, by popular demand, here's a quick little break to bring you horrendously erotic fanservice courtesy of our favorite pretty soldiers. Let's enjoy, shall we?  
  
Usagi and Rei were lying on Rei's bed, commenting on the sheer whiteness of Rei's ceiling, among other things.  
  
"It's so hot in here, Rei-chan," Usagi breathed.  
  
"Hai, it is, ne? I should do something about the thermostat," Rei replied in a throaty voice.  
  
"Hai, that would be a good idea," Usagi said in a very low voice. "Of course, we wouldn't be so hot if we hadn't just exerted ourselves like that."  
  
"Hai," Rei whispered, looking deeply into Usagi's twin blue orbs. (Can you say 'gag me with a spoon'? I knew you could.)  
  
Just then, Yuuchirou (Remember him? Neither do I.) walked in the room, saw the two girls on the bed, got a bloody nose, and passed out.  
  
"What's with him?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Yuuchirou no baka," Rei replied.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Haruka and Michiru were at their house, enjoying this request for fanservice wwwaaaaaaayyyyy too much. "You know what would be fun to do?" Michiru asked.  
  
"What?" Haruka said.  
  
"This," Michiru said, bent down, and preceded to censored Haruka. Haruka moaned, and censored Michiru's censored censored. Michiru smiled, and retaliated by censored Haruka's censored censored, and censored censored censored.  
  
Oh, the power I hold. Mwa ha ha.  
  
***  
  
"No, seriously, maybe we should take Yuuchirou-kun to a doctor or something," Usagi said, getting off the bed. Rei came to her side, and Yuuchirou woke up to see two beautiful girls leaning over him, fully clothed. Ha ha. They always were.  
  
"Nani? Where am I?" Yuuchirou sputtered.  
  
"My bedroom." Rei felt his forehead. "Just as I thought. Vertigo."  
  
"You can tell that from feeling his forehead?" Usagi asked.  
  
"Iie. But the author put me in charge of this segment, so basically I can do whatever I want." Rei got to her feet, as did Usagi. "We should probably finish sweeping."  
  
"Rei-chan, we've been sweeping for three solid hours! A fifteen minute break isn't enough! I'M STILL TIRED!!!" Usagi wailed.  
  
"Shut up and turn off your damn disco balls," Rei commanded, pointing to the two blue disco balls hanging from the ceiling. "Hmm. Maybe that's why Yuuchirou passed out."  
  
Oh, fanservice is fun, isn't it?  
  
***FIN*** 


	12. This time on Xenora, Queen of Battle...a...

Another short chapter, gomen nasai! But don't worry...you won't have to wait forever for new chapters, so it's all good! Sailormoon doesn't belong to me! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
The senshi were meeting at Hikawa Jinja, discussing a plan to defeat Evil Mastermind Guy. Uranus had a detailed map, and was explaining her elaborate plan for fourth dimensional takeover. Or infiltration of Evil Mastermind Guy's base, or whatever.  
  
"Okay, so here's the deal. We enter the Maze Of Certain Doom and turn left, right, left, right, left, left, right, left, right, right, and jump over the Miniature Pit of Eternal Darkness. Then we should be in the Chamber Of Lifelessness, where we run through the giant floor-to-ceiling Pistons Of Mild Irritation Or Complete Pancakeness, following the pattern of five seconds, three seconds, five, three, seven, nine, five, two. Finally we'll be in the guy's throne room, where we'll attack him all at once, as we've taken him by surprise by avoiding his scanners, which are hidden in all the main rooms save for the abovementioned rooms. Clear?"  
  
The senshi stared at her, dumbfounded.  
  
"Crystal," Mars supplied cheerfully.  
  
"Huh? What?" Sailor Moon said, looking around confusedly. "The crystal?" She pointed to her brooch. "It's right here."  
  
Uranus sighed, and put away her map. "Okay, here's the plan. Pluto's going to open a rip in the folds of time which will take us to the fourth dimension. There will be a giant space castle thingy, which is where Evil Mastermind Guy lives. We walk in the front door, turn left, and attack him all at once. Okay?"  
  
"Hai!" the senshi cheered, getting to their feet. "Let's go!" They ran to the door.  
  
Sailor Moon opened it, stepped through, and shut it behind her.  
  
"Why is she in the closet?" Jupiter asked.  
  
The others just shrugged.  
  
***  
  
"Hey, look over there!" Chibi-Usa shouted. Diana looked up and saw a flash of light.  
  
"Ooh," she drawled, "purdy cullers..."  
  
They fell into a hypnotic trance, and a giant hand emerged from the rip in the folds of time, taking them from their post-apocalyptic universe.  
  
***  
  
"What's up with those two?" Sailor Moon asked Pluto.  
  
Chibi-Usa and Diana were standing, paralyzed, on a little stuffed stool in Sailor Pluto's funky Gates of Time pad.  
  
"Beats me. Post-apocalyptic-ness will do that to you."  
  
"Maybe it was the overall effect of getting dragged through a rip in the folds of time," Mercury suggested, but no one cared.  
  
"Mama, just five more minutes," Chibi-Usa said, blinking.  
  
"Chibi-Usa-chan, henshin yo," Sailor Moon commanded.  
  
"Bite me, Sailor Moon."  
  
"Why, you little--" Sailor Moon started, but Mars and Jupiter held her back.  
  
"Chibi!" a familiar voice chirped.  
  
"Damn! Is she here, too?"  
  
***FIN*** 


	13. The required big dance scene. And other...

More fic. Disclaimer: Sailormoon isn't mine. I'm not a bigwig. Well, I am, but not one of the ones that owns Sailormoon. Don't sue. ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
"Hey, dude!"  
  
Evil Mastermind Guy was in his kitchen, making himself a peanut butter sandwich. He looked up to see ten Sailor Senshi, three cats, and one little pink-like girl standing in the doorway to his throne room, looking fierce and a bit jet lagged.  
  
"We're going to chew you up and spit you out!" Mars threatened.  
  
"Tear you to shreds!" Uranus added.  
  
"Pummel you into a pancake!" Jupiter yelled.  
  
Evil Mastermind Guy looked down. He was still wearing his robe. "Can you give me five minutes to get dressed?"  
  
"Sure," Venus volunteered.  
  
"Great," EMG said, pushing past them. "Make yourselves comfortable. Would you like a drink?"  
  
"No thanks," they chorused, plunking down on the various overstuffed couches decorating the room. Uranus and Neptune started making out on a love seat. Pluto settled herself on the throne. "Hmm, this feels pretty good."  
  
"Okay, I'm back," EMG said, appearing in the doorway, wearing a battle-ready outfit type thingy. "Let's get started, shall we?"  
  
"Sounds good," Sailor Moon said. The senshi got up.  
  
"Moon...Spiral..."  
  
"Wait a sec," Evil Mastermind Guy said, holding up a hand. "Wrong season. Wrong attack."  
  
Sailor Moon giggled inanely. "Whoops, guess you're right! Starlight...Honeymoon...Therapy..."  
  
"Wait a sec," Evil Mastermind Guy said (again), holding up a hand (again). "Speeches, remember?" (Can ya tell he's not really in the mood for a battle?)  
  
"Oops!" she giggled. "Sorry. Ahem. I'm Sailor Moon, champion of love, justice, and junk food. Dumplings and rice balls and warm chocolate fishies...these are a few of my favorite things..." she warbled.  
  
"I'm Sailor Mercury, bubbly by powers, but not by nature. I will make you lose your way in my irritating fog!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Mars. I can see the future, but I bet you can't. You don't have a sexy female body like mine. So there. Nyah."  
  
"Sailor Jupiter's the name, and electrocuting ego-boosted losers like you is my game. I shall make you see the error of your ways, playing footsie under the table of evil."  
  
"Wha?" Evil Mastermind Guy said.  
  
"Nani?" Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Venus, Sailor Pluto, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Saturn, Sailor Neptune, Sailor Chibi Moon, Luna, Artemis, and Diana chorused.  
  
"Nani?" Sailor Star Fighter, Sailor Star Maker, and Sailor Star Healer, who had just shown up, said.  
  
"Chibi?" said Chibi Chibi.  
  
"Never mind," Jupiter said. "I should stop watching The Tick."  
  
"Gaa! Shameless plug!" (I don't really need to tell you who said that, do I?)  
  
"I am Sailor Venus, blond and damn proud of it! These roots are real, dammit!"  
  
"I'm Sailor Saturn. I am short, with the power to create and destroy universes at will. You might want to be afraid of me. Just maybe."  
  
"I am Sailor Uranus! I think. Oi! The yelling, and the talking, and the...hey, nice lady! Voimen..."  
  
"What have they done to my beloved Haruka?" Sailor Neptune demanded. "Taking her masculine lesbian-ness and turning her into Jerry Lewis...those bastards! I bet they're French." She gathered Sailor Neptune into her arms and carried her away. She paused at the doorway and turned around, smashing Uranus's head and feet into the wall at the same time. "Damn! Oh, by the way, I'm Sailor Neptune, and I use water and stuff." She turned around again, hitting Uranus's head against the doorframe once more. "Oi!" Uranus cried. "Voimen."  
  
"Damn!" came Michiru's voice from halfway down the hall.  
  
The senshi, cats, Chibi Chibi, and Evil Mastermind Guy turned to each other with bemused looks. "Whatever," EMG shrugged. "Let's get on with it."  
  
"Where were we?" Sailor Moon asked.  
  
"The little short girl," Evil Mastermind Guy replied, pointing to Sailor Saturn. She shook her head.  
  
"I went early, remember?"  
  
"It's my turn!" Sailor Chibi Moon piped up. The inner senshi rolled their eyes, bored and disgusted with the whole sweet-enough-to-give-you-tooth-decay act. "I'm Sailor Chibi Moon, the senshi of all that is pink and sugary! Whee!"  
  
"Born under the guidance of the distant planet Pluto, I am the senshi of revolution, Sailor Pluto!"  
  
"Sorry, Setsuna-san," Mars said, shaking her head. "That's too normal to be a speech. When did you lay off the booze?"  
  
Sailor Pluto scowled. "Ever since Haruka-chan and Michiru-chan ushered me off to rehab, the bastards. Ahem." She struck a pose. "I am Sailor Pluto, still the world's foremost authority on martinis! I will punish you in the name of all cocktails and drinks with those little umbrella thingies in them!"  
  
"Better!" Mars said with a nod.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Sailor Star Fighter!"  
  
"Sailor Star Healer!"  
  
"And Sailor Star Maker!"  
  
"Stage on!"  
  
"Not you guys again," Evil Mastermind Guy sighed.  
  
"What's wrong with us?" Star Fighter demanded.  
  
"Nothing really. You just irritate me, that's all."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Chibi chibi chibi chibi! Chibi, chibi chibi chibi, chibi chibi, chibi chibi, chibi chibi. Chibi! Chibi chibi chibi! Chibi chibi chibi, tsuki ni kawatte! Chibi chibi chibi, oshioki yo!"  
  
"Why is she here?" Sailor Moon said, walking around. "Huh? We don't need her! She doesn't advance the plot!"  
  
"We don't have a plot!" Mercury whispered.  
  
"We never did," Mars added.  
  
"Just get rid of her, okay?" Sailor Moon asked.  
  
"Fire Soul," Mars said halfheartedly, and Chibi Chibi was destroyed.  
  
"We should celebrate," Sailor Moon said, and everyone agreed, even the author. Since the segment was going on too long to begin with, she cut to the party.  
  
***  
  
Hot dance party music stuff was playing, and the senshi, EMG, the Starlights, and the cats were grooving. Sailor Moon got up in the DJ booth and took over, spinning the records with surprising skill. "Got two turntables and a microphone!" she yelled, turning up the volume.  
  
Sailor Mars got up on a table. "Say ho!"  
  
"Say ho!" the partygoers repeated obediantly.  
  
"Say ho ho!" she shouted.  
  
"Say ho ho!" they chorused.  
  
"Say ho ho ho!"  
  
"Say ho!"  
  
The beat changed and they got back to grooving. Sailor Mars frowned. "That was only one ho."  
  
"Who you callin' a ho?" Jupiter demanded, and a chase ensued. Sailor Mercury got in the middle of the throng and started rapping. "Kick it, Moon Mama!" she cried, and Sailor Moon did that funny eh-eh thing with the records.  
  
"Mosh pit!" Evil Mastermind Guy yelled, and they started thrashing around. Sailor Star Fighter snuck up to the DJ booth and tried to hit on Sailor Moon, but she screamed at this sudden show of creepiness and started running after Sailor Jupiter, screaming like a banshee and waving her arms. Jupiter got way freaked and started running too. Jupiter was chasing Mars. Sailor Moon was 'chasing' Jupiter. Star Fighter was chasing Moon. And Sailor Star Healer and Sailor Star Maker were chasing Sailor Star Fighter, trying to hold her back. Saturn, Mercury, Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, Venus, Chibi Moon, Pluto, Luna, Artemis, Diana, and Evil Mastermind Guy watched with mild interest.  
  
"Let's go, homie-Gs!" Mercury yelled.  
  
"Conga line!" Venus yelled, and immediately Jupiter latched to Mars, Moon to Jupiter, Star Fighter to Moon, Star Maker to Star Fighter, Star Maker to Star Healer, Venus (quite jubilantly) to Star Maker, Mercury to Venus, Saturn to Mercury, Chibi Moon to Saturn, Pluto to Chibi Moon, Neptune to Pluto, Uranus to Neptune, and Evil Mastermind Guy to Neptune (not that you really cared about any of that). Luna jumped onto Sailor Moon's shoulder and Diana onto Chibi Moon's shoulder. Artemis jumped onto Venus's head (it was big and full of air; he thought it would make a good pillow), but she was gyrating so much that he was flung to the other end of the room. No one noticed his absence, least of all Minako.  
  
"Do a little dance," Minako sang, since the author liked funky disco music. "Make a little love. Get down tonight. Get down tonight."  
  
Hmm...not very interesting anymore, is it? Wasn't there a battle supposed to be going on or something...  
  
***FIN*** 


	14. And the DiC dub takes another hapless vi...

Hey, a new section. Go me! I really like Snapple. And I am really annoyed by the DiC dub.  
Sailormoon doesn't belong to me, and anything I may make obscure references to probably doesn't belong to me either.  
Booyaka! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
Back to Evil Mastermind Guy's funky evil mastermindly four-dimensional pad (If we had left, that is. No one's exactly sure anymore.). EMG faced off against the ten Sailor Senshi, three Sailor Starlights, and three cats.  
  
"Hmm. These odds aren't so great," he observed. "I'm gonna open a can of omnipotent whoop-ass on you!"  
  
"Wanna bet?" Uranus replied. "World Shaking!"  
  
"Owie owie owie!" Evil Mastermind Guy complained, hopping around on one foot like...something that hops around on one foot. I dunno. You make the comparison.  
  
Uranus rolled her eyes. "Would you like some cheese to go with your whine?" she asked.  
  
"Ooh, sarcastic and clever comeback," Neptune said. "I like." She and Uranus ran off into the woods (woods?) to play Wounded Baby Unicorn and Skinny Sociopathic Janitor. Go figure.  
  
Seeing this, Pluto, Saturn, and the Starlights decided that they weren't really needed, developing a case of 'we're-better-than-you-pathetic-inner-senshi'-itis. Go figure.  
  
"Ha ha!" EMG yelled, doing a little victory dance. "I have already eliminated seven of you! Seven whole senshi! Well, four whole senshi and three confused strippers. But they're gone! Who's the man, huh? Who?"  
  
"Not you," Mars said. "Mars Flame Fire Burning Sniper Soul Mandala!" she shrieked, unpredictably releasing her every flame attack on Evil Mastermind Guy, who was perplexed through his tears and burns.  
  
"How can you do that?" he asked.  
  
"How can you?" Venus echoed. "I wanna try." She took a deep breath. "VenusLoveandBeautyShockVenusLove-MeChainCrescent BeamShowerCrescentBeam!"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"What?" Venus shrieked. "You were supposed to die!" She tilted back her head and started to wail. "Jupiter-chan! He won't die!! Gettemgettemgettemgettemgettemgettem!"  
  
Jupiter rolled her eyes. "Do I gotta? This is so stupid."  
  
"GETTEMGETTEMGETTEMGETTEMGETTEMGETTEM!!!!"  
  
"Geez, okay. Supreme Thunder! Supreme Thunder Dragon! Sparkling Wide Pressure! Jupiter Oak Evolution!" she shouted, impressing (or boring) the readers with the author's vast knowledge of Sailor Senshi attacks.  
  
"Do your dub attacks, too!" Venus said. "That might work!"  
  
"Gaa!" Jupiter yelled. "I hate saying those stupid dub phrases. They're so annoying!"  
  
Venus took a deep breath, ready to scream again.  
  
"Okay, okay!" Jupiter conceded, holding up her hands. "Jupiter Thunder...CRASH! Jupiter Thunder...DRAGON! Jupiter Thunderclap...ZAP!"  
  
Many, many attacks hit Evil Mastermind Guy. He was very upset, and probably cried. But we never heard, because Venus was too busy wailing about him not being dead.  
  
"Why isn't he dead yet? I'm Sailor Venus, I fight for love and crap like that, and I'm going to hurt you! Venus Crescent Beam...SMASH! Venus Meteor...SHOWER! Venus Love Chain... ENCIRCLE!" She took a moment to pause, make a disgusted face at using the hideous dub attacks and take a deep breath. "Crescent Beam! Crescent Beam Shower! Venus Love-Me Chain! Venus Love and Beauty Shock!"  
  
Beams and hearts and chains and more beams and more hearts and more chains struck Evil Mastermind Guy, who was on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum. But unfortunately, he was still alive.  
  
"Hey, whaddya mean 'unfortunately?'" Evil Mastermind Guy yelled, looking at the author. "I thought we were friends."  
  
I meant unfortunately for the senshi, you self-esteem-less freak. Geez, would you pay attention to what's going on? Here, we'll give you a team of 'senshi' of your own, okay? Deal with them yourselves.  
  
"Aha!" EMG shouted. "I now have my own team to destroy you. Feel my wrath, you pathetic wretches!"  
  
Six warriors stood in shadow, holding stupid poses. "Come forth, my minions!" The six shadowy people came out. The senshi gasped in horror. For the mystery guests were none other than...  
  
"The Power Rangers!" Sailor Moon yelled. "NO!!!!"  
  
***  
  
Damn, I'm dramatic.  
  
***  
  
After some intense discussion, the author and Evil Mastermind Guy decided that this would be a lot more entertaining if the senshi and the Power Rangers took each other on on a national television show. So they decided on MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch. Rockin'! Of course, the senshi and the Rangers agreed immediately; they were quite enthusiastic about kickin' some respective ass.  
  
So, without further ado, I bring you Celebrity Deathmatch!  
  
***FIN*** 


	15. Today, on Power Rangers...nobody cares!

Here's more...I don't really have much to say, so read. I said *read*!  
Okay, I can't *force* you. But please do, and please review, because it's you people saying I'm a candidate for the psych ward that gets me through my days.  
Sailormoon, Power Rangers, and Celebrity Deathmatch do not belong to me.  
Booyaka! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez."  
  
"And I'm Nick Diamond. Tonight, Johnny, we have a really special show for you all. So special, in fact, that we haven't even booked any fights other than our main event! I really hope this lasts a while!"  
  
"That's right, Nick. Tonight, the main event is a long-awaited brawl between the famed Sailor Senshi of Tokyo and the cheap rip-off Power Rangers of the fictional Angel Grove. Both teams have been waiting for this for a long time."  
  
"My bets are on the senshi, Johnny. Not only are they young, beautiful, and scantily dressed, but they have real powers."  
  
"So true, Nick. So true. Well, let's go to Mills Lane in the ring."  
  
(This is Mills talking, duh.) "In this corner, straight from the Minato-ku district of Tokyo, the very lovely Sailor Senshi: EternalSailormoon, SuperSailormercury, SuperSailormars, SuperSailorjupiter, SuperSailorvenus, and SuperSailorchibimoon. (Geez, that was too long.) In this corner, straight from Angel Grove, the *cough* unforgettable Power Rangers: the Red Ranger, Pink Ranger, Blue Ranger, Black Ranger, Yellow Ranger, and Green Ranger. Here are the rules: there are none! Kick some ass. Let's get it on!"  
  
"You're going down, you pathetic wannabes!" Sailormoon yelled. "Born under the protection of the White Moon, I, warrior of justice, am EternalSailormoon. I live to protect the vows of love of the innocent, and to punish evildoers! And you six are the worst evil I've ever seen!"  
  
"What she said! I'm Sailormars!"  
  
"Mercury!"  
  
"Jupiter!"  
  
"Venus!"  
  
"I'm SuperSailorchibimoon, and damn proud of it!" Chibi Moon yelled. The six senshi struck poses, and the audiences cheered, screaming and waving signs that said "I Love You, Sailor Moon"; "Mars, Let Me Be Your Fire Soul"; "Mercury, I Wanna Get Lost In Your Fog"; "Mako-chan, I Look Like Sempai"; "Venus, Love and Beauty Shock ME"; "*NSYNC RULES"; and the like.  
  
"We're so cool we don't need to make speeches!" the Red Ranger yelled. "But let's try it anyway, huh? Um...I'm red!"  
  
"I'm pink!"  
  
"I'm blue!"  
  
"I'm green!"  
  
"I'm black!"  
  
"I'm yellow!"  
  
"We are the Power Rangers!" they finished collectively, and struck a group pose. The audience members booed. There were no signs.  
  
"Let's get it on!" Mars yelled. "Fire Soul!" Flames shot from her fingertips and singed the red guy's armor-stuff. Is it armor? Or just a stupid suit? Who knows? And more importantly, who cares?  
  
Enraged, the Pink and Yellow Rangers ran forward and started flipping, yelling, and kicking wildly at the air.  
  
"Looks like they're about to attack, Johnny!"  
  
"No duh, Nick. No duh."  
  
Two well-placed boots, one yellow and one pink, landed square in the middle of Jupiter's stomach. She paused, stumbled backwards, and muttered, "Ouch."  
  
"Johnny, these Sailor Senshi are more than we give them credit for. Jupiter seems barely wounded!"  
  
"What a waste."  
  
"You two sluts make me so sick in those tasteless pastel suits," Jupiter spat. "Here's a nice dose of good taste for you. Sparkling Wide Pressure!"  
  
"Look at that, Nick! Jupiter's thunder attack has completely wiped out the Yellow Ranger, who took the blow for Pink! Never has loyalty and friendship been so electrocutingly messy!"  
  
Hey! Who's the author here? Not you, Clay Boy.  
  
Jupiter's thunder attack was about to appropriately obliterate the two female Power Rangers, but Yellow screamed really loudly, almost busting several audience members' fragile clay eardrums, dove in front of Pink, and died. We feel no remorse. None. Who's better at this? Johnny Gomez or me?  
  
Pink was busy crying over spilt Yellow (who was now a very moist puddle), and hardly noticed Chibi Moon jumping to join her. "Hi!" she yelled. "I'm pink, too!"  
  
Pink held a glove to her helmet. "I'm getting a migraine already."  
  
Chibi Moon frowned. "I do that to people."  
  
Meanwhile, Sailormoon and Red Ranger were frantically punching at heach other, but only connecting fists. "Ow," Sailor Moon said, hitting her fist against Red's. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."  
  
"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow," Red was saying.  
  
"It appears as though the respective leaders, the Red Ranger and Sailor Moon, have reached a stalemate, Nick."  
  
"Shut up, Johnny. I'm not blind."  
  
Meanwhile, Sailor Mercury and the Blue Ranger were having an intellectual conversation, trying to figure out who was smarter. We'd go closer, but there are too many big words and our brains would explode.  
  
"Mercury, get away from that guy before you lose the support of the viewers!" Mars yelled. "Mars Flame Sniper!" The Blue Ranger was scorched, and the audience cheered. But the other Rangers weren't impressed (more like pissed), and the Pink, Red, Green, and Black Rangers started chasing Mars in a circle, yelling like they had hissing cockroaches stuck where the sun don't shine, and kicking furiously. They weren't even remotely close to hitting Mars, but they didn't seem to notice or care.  
  
"I don't believe this Nick! The remaining Power Rangers are chasing Sailor Mars around, looking like the hunters in Lord of the Flies!"  
  
"Most of our viewers haven't read the book, Johnny."  
  
"Good point."  
  
These people get paid to suck? I'm so much better at this. Where's my money?  
  
Venus got ticked off and knocked them to the side with her Venus Love and Beauty Shock, and the Pink and Red Rangers cried. "Serves you right, losers."  
  
She walked calmly over to them and began to calmly kick them in the butts with her high heels. That's gotta hurt.  
  
Meanwhile, Sailor Moon and Sailor Chibi Moon had cornered the Black Ranger, annoying him immensely with their supreme cuteness. Such a dangerous weapon should never be left in their hands.  
  
Jupiter was talking with the Green Ranger, and then surprisely kneed him in the groin. He never saw it coming. He yelped, and passed out. Mercury stood over him, kind of irked that she never got to prove that she was the smartest, and started bashing him repeatedly with her Mercury Lyre.  
  
"They say the pen is mightier than the sword, Johnny, but in this case, it looks like the harp is pretty mighty, too!"  
  
"That's right, Nick. The Green Ranger is getting beaten to a pulp by Mercury and her harp. He's gonna be feeling that in the morning."  
  
"If he feels anything!"  
  
Venus was still kicking the Red and Pink Rangers, Mars having joined her. Sailor Moon and Chibi Moon were annoying the crap out of the Black Ranger. And after an amusing five minutes, Mercury and Jupiter joined their comrades, having killed the Green Ranger. Mercury wiped the blood off her gloves. "Well, I guess anger management really is good for the soul," she commented.  
  
Damn straight.  
  
The battle went on for a long time, several minutes, even. But when the Shabon Spray cleared, the victors stood tall (well, Jupiter, Mercury, Mars, and Venus did. "HEY! I am not that short!" Ri-ight) over their extremely bloody enemies. Bloody and gutty enemies. Ooh, it's messy.  
  
"Oh yeah, we won, we won!" Sailor Moon yelled triumphantly. "Boo-ya! In your face, Evil Mastermind Guy!"  
  
"This is incredible!" Nick yelled.  
  
"A total slaughter!" Johnny agreed. "The likes of which we've never before seen on Celebrity Deathmatch! The opponents --all six of them-- were completely annihilated! Mutilated! They're nothing more than little stains in the Deathmatch ring! They were destroyed! They were--"  
  
"Shut up already, would ya?" Moon snapped. "Geez, you're annoying."  
  
"Mars Flame Sniper!" Mars added, piercing Johnny through the heart with a flame-y arrow thing. Ouchies. He's dead now.  
  
"Oh my God, Johnny!" Nick yelled, bending over his friend's charred corpse. "Is nothing sacred?"  
  
"Shut your piehole, Mustache Boy, or you're next," Mars said.  
  
Nick turned to the camera sadly and fearfully. I'm not entirely sure if it's possible to do both, but he did it. He spoke through his tears. "I'm Nick Diamond, and this has been Celebrity Deathmatch. Good fight..." he said, looking all choked up, "...good night. JOHNNY!" Nick burst into hysterical tears.  
  
***FIN*** 


	16. My Interview With A Slightly Psychopathi...

My colleagues all thought me mad. Mad, I say. And you know...they were right. More!  
Sailormoon doesn't belong to me. Well, duh.  
Booyaka! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
As a completely random interlude for lack of anything better to do, I bring you: interviews!  
That's right, folks. Your very own fearless author-type person (NeoVenus22) sits down with the cast of this very fanfiction! (Yeah, gotta be fearless for that.)  
  
Usagi: [brains NeoVenus with a two-by-four] P  
  
Haruka: What's with the sudden new layout?  
  
NeoVenus: x_x Nani?  
  
Haruka: This dialogue format thingy. It's not like you.  
  
NeoVenus: [shrugs] Looks cool.  
  
Haruka: -_-; Plagarism. That ain't kosher.  
  
NeoVenus: It's not plagarism! Lotsa authors do this! Now, could we get to the interview, please? Before I get old?  
  
Haruka: -_-;; Yare, yare, I'm outta here. Interview away.  
  
NeoVenus: ^^v Yay! Okay, interviewee one, Tsukino Usagi, will now step up to the plate.  
  
Usagi: Plate? What plate?  
  
NeoVenus: o.O Okay then. Usagi-chan, how do you like the fic so far?  
  
Usagi: Why'd you kill Mamo-chan?  
  
NeoVenus: ^^; I didn't kill him! I just...um...I tied him up. [opens closet, reveals Tuxedo Kamen swirling from a coat hanger, a sock in his mouth]  
  
Tuxie: Mmph! Mmph, mmph mmph mmph!  
  
Usagi: ^^v Tuxedo Kamen-sama!!! [glomps onto him]  
  
NeoVenus: -_-;;; Why am I not surprised?  
  
Usagi: I learned from the Glomping no Megami, Wakaba-san!  
  
Wakaba: [popping up] Konnichi wa! I'm Wakaba, the Goddess of Glomp! Buy my new book "Glomping For Dummies", on sale this week!  
  
Haruka: [brains Wakaba with a two-by-four]  
  
NeoVenus: And anime fans around the world rejoice. Okay, next victim! Haruka-san, how 'bout you?  
  
Haruka: Do I gotta?  
  
NeoVenus: Hai. It's in your contract.  
  
Haruka: P Crap. I knew I shoulda read that thing before I signed it... Okay, bring it on, but make it fast. I've got a few lemonfics to attend to this afternoon.  
  
NeoVenus: ^^;;;;; Um...okay...so, how's the fic going so far?  
  
Haruka: The writing is crap, the dialogue is pointless, and there's virtually no plot. Furthermore, you had boy band cameos!  
  
NeoVenus: [drools on herself] Nummy...*NSYNC...  
  
Haruka: Aha. So that's why this is so messed up. You're a fangirl!  
  
NeoVenus: If I wasn't a fangirl, you wouldn't have any lines, Haruka-san.  
  
Haruka: It's not like they're *good* lines, so it doesn't matter.  
  
NeoVenus: Shaddup. Is there enough gratuitous fanservice for you and Michiru?  
  
Haruka: Honey, there could never be enough gratuitous fanservice for me and Michiru.  
  
NeoVenus: [facevault] Did you just call me 'honey'?  
  
Haruka: Hai.  
  
NeoVenus: You're trying to screw me over, aren't you?  
  
Haruka: Eh?  
  
From the distance we hear a long, low hum, which gradually grows into a very loud scream as Michiru busts through the doors, bearing her Aqua Mirror and looking ready to brain whomsoever gets in her way.  
  
Michiru: Haru!!!  
  
Haruka: Hai, Michi?  
  
Michiru: I thought we agreed on this! You went to therapy! NO FLIRTING!  
  
Haruka: Ara...Michi...it's just the author-sama, it doesn't mean anything.  
  
NeoVenus: What? I'm not good enough for you?  
  
Haruka: [big trouble now!] Hai, hai, you are, you are!!  
  
Michiru: NANI?!  
  
Haruka: I mean no! I only love my Michi!  
  
NeoVenus: [wields that ever-so-convenient two-by-four] You sure?  
  
Haruka looks back and forth between the two angry females: one bearing an Aqua Mirror, the other, a large chunk of wood capable of conking her out for a good few hours [see Wakaba]. One of the women was threatening not only total brain-ification, but also a complete write-out of the fic. The other was threatening no sex.  
As far as Haruka could see, she had only one choice.  
  
Haruka: Uranus Planet Powaa, make up! [runs the hell outta there]  
  
Michiru: Shimatta. Forgot she could do that.  
  
NeoVenus: Damn superpowers. So kills the mood.  
  
Michiru: [eyebrow twitch] What kinda 'mood' were you trying to create, exactly?  
  
NeoVenus: [backs away slowly] Hehehehe... Nothing, I swear, Michiru-san. Haruka's all yours, really!  
  
Michiru: [lifts Aqua Mirror]  
  
NeoVenus: [runs down hallway] Aaaaaaaaaah!!!  
  
Yeah, that went, like, SO well.  
Anyway, our slightly-more-fearful-than-before author decided to try the whole 'interviewing' process again, because she's dumber than a bag of bricks. So for Round Two (Three?), she recruited hapless Aino Minako, seeing as how she's basically a dumb blonde and was the least likely to try and kill her. (Other than Mercury.)  
  
NeoVenus: [into microphone (now where did THAT come from?)] Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3... Okay, good, it's working. Aino-san, say hi.  
  
Minako: OHAYO! ^_^  
  
NeoVenus: Um...okay. So...Aino-san...  
  
Minako: Call me Mina-chan, Author-sama!  
  
NeoVenus: Okay. So, Mina-chan, how do you like the fic so far?  
  
Minako: It's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
oooooooooooooooooooooo  
  
[five minutes later]  
  
Minako: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! Yay! ^^v  
  
NeoVenus: o.O I see. What's your favorite part?  
  
Minako: The scenes where I'm the star!  
  
NeoVenus: -_-; There AREN'T any scenes where you're the star...  
  
Minako: ^_^ Well, the scenes where I'm with Yaten-kun! KAWAII!  
  
NeoVenus: -_-;; Oookay.  
  
Minako: ^_- Author-sama? Can I ask a favooooorrrrr?  
  
NeoVenus: Sure, anything.  
  
Minako: Domo arigato!!!!! ^_^  
  
NeoVenus: Yup.  
  
Minako: ^_^  
  
NeoVenus: ...  
  
Minako: ^_^  
  
NeoVenus: ...  
  
Minako: ^_^  
  
NeoVenus: ...  
  
Minako: ^_^  
  
NeoVenus: Mina-chan? You were gonna ask me for a favor?  
  
Minako: OH! Hai! Anyway...can you get rid of Neptune-san?  
  
NeoVenus: Why would I get rid of her?  
  
Minako: 'Cause she's snotty and mean and funny-looking and keeps Haruka-san ALL TO HERSELF and she doesn't like the Inner Senshi.  
  
NeoVenus: That's exactly why I don't like her! ^_^  
  
Minako: Yay! [they hug]  
  
NeoVenus: Well, I'll have to come up with a believable reason for her destruction, but I'll talk to Evil Mastermind Guy about it, okay?  
  
Minako: Hai! Yay, Author-sama, you're the best!! ^^v  
  
NeoVenus: I know! ^^v  
  
***FIN*** 


End file.
